Oh, this is not going to help...

Has the whole world gone whore? First the Pussycat Dolls, now they're dragging cartoons into this mess? This needs to stop. The 80s are a thing of the past, I get it. But really, some things should just be left to what they were. I don't think this is a good change:

I actually think it's really sad. Strawberry Shortcake was adorable! Now she looks like every other cartoon girl out there: super-skinny, lipstick, long flowing hair...pretty much "that girl" in school that all the girls were jealous of because they thought she was soooooo perfect. Old school Shortcake's just kickin it with her cat, having a good time being who she is, wearing that giant hat and those bloomers like it's her job. But if you just look at new Shortcake's expression, it pretty much screams "I can't help it I'm so beautiful." By the way, they replaced her cat with a cell phone. Crime against humanity.

But don't think these geniuses are stopping with Shortcake. Oh no. Not by a long shot. Guess who's next on the list. Go ahead, guess. You'll never get it...

It's the Care Bears! You know what they're having done? Liposuction! Yeah. They're freaking bears! They don't need to lose weight!! They're supposed to be fat! I've never heard a little kid complain that their bear was too big. That's just ridiculous.

Also getting a face-lift (just as ridiculous but not as upsetting) is ToonTown in Disney World, the section of the park where Mickey Mouse lives. First of all, I thought ToonTown was a stupid idea in the first place and the worst section of the Disney Park (although that is where we met Cinderella which was awesome...that chick is hard to find). But, Mr. Robert Iger, Disney's chief executive, is looking to balance "heritage and innovation" by keeping the core of the characters the same while updating the world in which they live. How will they do this you ask? By adding an old-fashioned trolley to the area. Brilliant.

So going back to homegirl Shortcake for a moment, they're downplaying her sugar-loving side and promoting her fruit side. According to Jeffrey Conrad, American Greetings' head creative designer, "We’re downplaying characters that were part of Strawberry’s world but who didn’t immediately shout out fruit.”

Umm, speaking of shouting fruit... Can we please recall how bad it was when they tried to update Ken?

His name was Earring Magic Ken! Clearly only bad things happen when classics are updated. Let's try being creative again. Maybe that will work.