So the big entertainment news of the week is that our favorite lesbian Ellen Degeneres is replacing our favorite addict Paula Abdul on American Idol. I was honestly shocked at the news. Actually, I was shocked that Paula was quitting in the first place. She brings the crazy and the nonsensical critique mixed in with the irrelevant compliments. Honestly, no one can replace quips like:
"Simon gave me advice he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the corn flake always finds the melon, and one of you didn't pick the right fortune."
...
What?
But I guess we all saw Paula leaving when they brought in Kara "everything I say has sexual undertones" DioGuardi. I just assumed though that they would go back to the 3 judge format until they realized that Paula makes that show and her absence was costing them viewers, at which point Paula would return in a grandiose manner (sort of like when she "performed" her song last season, but without the lip syncing). But bringing Ellen on will certainly take care of that problem. She has a huge following and her role as a judge certainly persuaded me to change my plan to free up 3 hours of TV a week by not watching Idol.
In the end, I have to hand it to Fox for once again demonstrating the evil genious that is their network. I look forward to seeing how Ellen does as the voice of the people as she put it. But there will always be a void where Paula once was. Ellen can bring the laughs, but she can never top the crazy.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Superhero in Heels-Part I
Here's the scoop: MY SISTER'S GETTING MARRIED! Equally exciting is that I have been given the role of Maid of Honor, aka MOH, aka "superhero in heels" according to the internet. I'm not going to bore you with all the details as this process unfolds, but if something entertaining (like what I'm about to share) happens, it will be here.
So, for the first installment of this newly designated superhero's wedding planning themed blog, I'm tackling dresses. But not the one you might think. This installment is about the Mother of the Bride/Groom dress.
I would normally expect and hope for something classy, dignified, and flattering, like one of these:
I could see my mom and the groom's mom in any of these. However, apparently there are some women out there who, I don't know, might be on the prowl at their child's wedding. I'm not saying that this is completely out of the question, or wrong if that happens to be the circumstances. What I am saying, is that neither the models nor (I'm pretty sure) anyone wanting to wear these dresses are anyone's mother:
Yes, these are bad. But I saved the best for last. 1) It's basically a white dress. You don't wear white to a wedding unless it is your wedding. 2) If you love your body, good for you. I'm all for feeling attractive and desirable at any age, but even if you do have this body, if you are the mother of a bride, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THIS TO YOUR CHILD'S WEDDING. EVER.
NEVER!! JUST. DON'T.
PLEASE.
So, for the first installment of this newly designated superhero's wedding planning themed blog, I'm tackling dresses. But not the one you might think. This installment is about the Mother of the Bride/Groom dress.
I would normally expect and hope for something classy, dignified, and flattering, like one of these:
I could see my mom and the groom's mom in any of these. However, apparently there are some women out there who, I don't know, might be on the prowl at their child's wedding. I'm not saying that this is completely out of the question, or wrong if that happens to be the circumstances. What I am saying, is that neither the models nor (I'm pretty sure) anyone wanting to wear these dresses are anyone's mother:
Yes, these are bad. But I saved the best for last. 1) It's basically a white dress. You don't wear white to a wedding unless it is your wedding. 2) If you love your body, good for you. I'm all for feeling attractive and desirable at any age, but even if you do have this body, if you are the mother of a bride, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THIS TO YOUR CHILD'S WEDDING. EVER.
NEVER!! JUST. DON'T. PLEASE.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sorry, this is a crappy post
So if you haven't seen this amazing As Seen on TV product yet, please watch this video.
That's right, The Comfort Wipe. Because scrunching and folding without the extra step of attaching the TP to a stick was JUST TOO HARD! Not since the 1880s has toilet paper improved so dramatically!
Wait. What? What happened in the 1880s that made TP so much better?
Well, being a researcher, I did some research. I learned that paper for this purpose has been around since like the 1300s in China. Elsewhere, non-wealthy people were using a variety of other objects for the purpose including rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, seashells and corn cobs. Yikes. Turns out, most of the TP changing action was happening in the 1870s where the perforated roll was patented by this dude, Zeth Wheeler:
Then Scotts started making the rolls was but embarrassed to put their name on the "sensitive" product. The only activity of the 80s that I found was some other dude patenting the package and manufacturing process. More than you wanted to know right? Well, we're all learning something. Deal with it.
But here's the other problem. This commercial claims, and I quote, "The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s." Really Comfort Wipe? You don't think anything great has happened to TP since the packaging and manufacturing process? I, and I think everyone else who have used it since then, would beg to differ, considering 50 years after the 1880s, Northern Tissue started advertising their brand as "splinter-free." I'd say that's an improvement. Not to mention the comforting quilted patterns, scented and lotioned TP, and the fun designs you can get at www.justtoiletpaper.com. (Please go and watch that video too. The guy is WAY too excited about their monogramed TP rolls).
Also, here's the other gem I found. In Ancient Rome, people used sponges on sticks to clean up after they did their business. So let's get this straight. Not only is the Comfort Wipe NOT the first improvement since the 1880s, it's a resurrection of virtually the same idea from ANCIENT ROME. So much for it being a "modern solution."
Finally, I just can't say enough about how much but I LOVE those testimonials. What, exactly, are the obvious advantages to being a big guy? And that lady freaking cracks me up. Let's give her her own commercial for like uppers or something...whatever is making her act like a 1920's starlet from Jersey. Golden.
That's right, The Comfort Wipe. Because scrunching and folding without the extra step of attaching the TP to a stick was JUST TOO HARD! Not since the 1880s has toilet paper improved so dramatically!
Wait. What? What happened in the 1880s that made TP so much better?
Well, being a researcher, I did some research. I learned that paper for this purpose has been around since like the 1300s in China. Elsewhere, non-wealthy people were using a variety of other objects for the purpose including rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, seashells and corn cobs. Yikes. Turns out, most of the TP changing action was happening in the 1870s where the perforated roll was patented by this dude, Zeth Wheeler:
Then Scotts started making the rolls was but embarrassed to put their name on the "sensitive" product. The only activity of the 80s that I found was some other dude patenting the package and manufacturing process. More than you wanted to know right? Well, we're all learning something. Deal with it.But here's the other problem. This commercial claims, and I quote, "The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s." Really Comfort Wipe? You don't think anything great has happened to TP since the packaging and manufacturing process? I, and I think everyone else who have used it since then, would beg to differ, considering 50 years after the 1880s, Northern Tissue started advertising their brand as "splinter-free." I'd say that's an improvement. Not to mention the comforting quilted patterns, scented and lotioned TP, and the fun designs you can get at www.justtoiletpaper.com. (Please go and watch that video too. The guy is WAY too excited about their monogramed TP rolls).
Also, here's the other gem I found. In Ancient Rome, people used sponges on sticks to clean up after they did their business. So let's get this straight. Not only is the Comfort Wipe NOT the first improvement since the 1880s, it's a resurrection of virtually the same idea from ANCIENT ROME. So much for it being a "modern solution."
Finally, I just can't say enough about how much but I LOVE those testimonials. What, exactly, are the obvious advantages to being a big guy? And that lady freaking cracks me up. Let's give her her own commercial for like uppers or something...whatever is making her act like a 1920's starlet from Jersey. Golden.
Friday, April 10, 2009
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a Cheeto!
So you remember our friends, the Cheetos that look like things, right? (here). Well, in case you have your own delicious snack that you're looking to make money off of, Cheetos is actually going to help you out. They have this amazing section in their website called the Cheetos Look-Alike Analyzer. It's fun, but I have to say, not very accurate.
Take Crucifix Cheesus.
This is probably the most viable of the snack food look-alikes that I've seen, but the Cheetos analyzer might disagree. Maybe they don't want to get all religious, which is fine, but these are the results I got. (Yes, I ran it more than once. Because I am just that cool.)
1. The Battle of Gettysburg
2. Submarine
3. A Sock
4. The Battle of Gettysburg
The website also tells you the estimated value of your Cheeto look-alike. The Gettysburg one will get me $$$ on eBay. Just in case eBay or your greedy friends looking to share your new-found fortune need hard evidence before supporting your venture, the website also provides you with downloadable proof. Here's mine for the answer I got half the times I tried:
Not the best quality, but there's the so-called proof. I guess the Cheeto is supposed to be the guy in the left corner? Whatever. It might be fun to make this the official standard by which all eBay look-alike snacks are judged. People might be a lot less crazy about it, because, maybe, just maybe, they would realize how ridiculous this whole thing is in the first place.
Take Crucifix Cheesus.
This is probably the most viable of the snack food look-alikes that I've seen, but the Cheetos analyzer might disagree. Maybe they don't want to get all religious, which is fine, but these are the results I got. (Yes, I ran it more than once. Because I am just that cool.)1. The Battle of Gettysburg
2. Submarine
3. A Sock
4. The Battle of Gettysburg
The website also tells you the estimated value of your Cheeto look-alike. The Gettysburg one will get me $$$ on eBay. Just in case eBay or your greedy friends looking to share your new-found fortune need hard evidence before supporting your venture, the website also provides you with downloadable proof. Here's mine for the answer I got half the times I tried:
Not the best quality, but there's the so-called proof. I guess the Cheeto is supposed to be the guy in the left corner? Whatever. It might be fun to make this the official standard by which all eBay look-alike snacks are judged. People might be a lot less crazy about it, because, maybe, just maybe, they would realize how ridiculous this whole thing is in the first place.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Who would win?
It's back friends! The happens-whenever-something-like-this-comes-up segment is back. And it's a doozy, inspired by an entry at Dlisted. Today's match-up:
Billy Mays vs. Vince the ShamWow Guy*Ding Ding*
Round 1: Yell-off. Let's be honest, Billy Mays would win hands down, no questions asked. Done.
Round 2: Sales pitch. Here's where Billy's trademark voice gets him in trouble. He's just so freaking annoying that I haven't heard the name of any product he's sold since OxyClean. Vince is still annoying, but at least he's not yelling at me. He wins this round.
Round 3: Appearing under the influence of drugs. Billy yells and sells like he's on crack and needs you to buy his product so he can get another fix. Yet Vince, with that face and pointy hair, could pass as some sort of cracked-out reptile. It's a close one, but I'm going to have to give the edge to Vince here because of how he rocks that headset. It's a TV commercial Vince. You don't need it. But he's wearing it anyway. There's no one on the other end except the voices of the infomercial gods. It adds that little extra crazy, so I'm giving this round to Vince too.
Round 4: Physical fight. You might be quick to jump to the conclusion that Billy would win because he's bigger. That might be true. He also has a larger array of products at his disposal he could use in a fight. BUT, Vince only needs his towel to absorb all those chemicals Billy's throwing at him. All Vince has to do is wait until Billy's out of ammo, then throw the ShamWow at him. With all the stuff that's in there something's bound to explode on impact. Even if it doesn't, the smell of those chemicals will kill him within seconds. (Vince would be fine. Remember? Cracked-out reptile. You think Amy Winehouse has any sense of smell left?) I'd give the edge to Vince.
We have a winner! Final score: Billy Mays 1-Vince 3
Feel free to argue, but I'm going to stick with it.
Round 1: Yell-off. Let's be honest, Billy Mays would win hands down, no questions asked. Done.
Round 2: Sales pitch. Here's where Billy's trademark voice gets him in trouble. He's just so freaking annoying that I haven't heard the name of any product he's sold since OxyClean. Vince is still annoying, but at least he's not yelling at me. He wins this round.
Round 3: Appearing under the influence of drugs. Billy yells and sells like he's on crack and needs you to buy his product so he can get another fix. Yet Vince, with that face and pointy hair, could pass as some sort of cracked-out reptile. It's a close one, but I'm going to have to give the edge to Vince here because of how he rocks that headset. It's a TV commercial Vince. You don't need it. But he's wearing it anyway. There's no one on the other end except the voices of the infomercial gods. It adds that little extra crazy, so I'm giving this round to Vince too.
Round 4: Physical fight. You might be quick to jump to the conclusion that Billy would win because he's bigger. That might be true. He also has a larger array of products at his disposal he could use in a fight. BUT, Vince only needs his towel to absorb all those chemicals Billy's throwing at him. All Vince has to do is wait until Billy's out of ammo, then throw the ShamWow at him. With all the stuff that's in there something's bound to explode on impact. Even if it doesn't, the smell of those chemicals will kill him within seconds. (Vince would be fine. Remember? Cracked-out reptile. You think Amy Winehouse has any sense of smell left?) I'd give the edge to Vince.
We have a winner! Final score: Billy Mays 1-Vince 3
Feel free to argue, but I'm going to stick with it.
I never thought I'd say it, but my children are never going to date
This is why.
That kid is that other kid's father. That's right, FATHER. Alfie (a totally mature name for a father) is a whopping 13 years old. His child was conceived with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was 12. What did they do? Pass a note to each other?
Do you want to have a baby with me?
Circle one
Yes No Maybe
That kid is that other kid's father. That's right, FATHER. Alfie (a totally mature name for a father) is a whopping 13 years old. His child was conceived with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was 12. What did they do? Pass a note to each other?Do you want to have a baby with me?
Circle one
Yes No Maybe
I'm pretty sure that's how relationships generally went when I was 13. Besides the fact that this kid looks like he's really about 8 and is only 4 feet tall, the best part is the commentary from Alfie & co.
His dad commends him for taking responsibility saying "He could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation. But he has been at the hospital every day." That will last for about 2 seconds until the next Grand Theft Auto game comes out...which by the way I don't think he's old enough to buy without an adult.
His baby mama had this to say: "We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you." Alfie also said "When my mum found out, I thought I was going to get in trouble." Yeah, if you are worried about getting grounded for being pregnant, I'm pretty sure that's a sign you're too young to have kids.
Alfie, who is apparently a gold mine of soundbites, also had this to say: "I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10." Ummm, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to cut it. That won't even cover one of your Playstation games.
Honestly, my first thought when I read this was that it couldn't be real. I mean, the story is just so outlandish and these quote are just too perfect to fuel criticism (my head about exploded when I read these people's insight into the situation), and in all honesty, I really hope it isn't true and it's some sort of Friday the 13th prank or something. The kid does sort of look like Eddie Munster. But however chilling Eddie Munster was supposed to be, it is NOTHING compared to this.
His dad commends him for taking responsibility saying "He could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation. But he has been at the hospital every day." That will last for about 2 seconds until the next Grand Theft Auto game comes out...which by the way I don't think he's old enough to buy without an adult.
His baby mama had this to say: "We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you." Alfie also said "When my mum found out, I thought I was going to get in trouble." Yeah, if you are worried about getting grounded for being pregnant, I'm pretty sure that's a sign you're too young to have kids.
Alfie, who is apparently a gold mine of soundbites, also had this to say: "I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10." Ummm, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to cut it. That won't even cover one of your Playstation games.
Honestly, my first thought when I read this was that it couldn't be real. I mean, the story is just so outlandish and these quote are just too perfect to fuel criticism (my head about exploded when I read these people's insight into the situation), and in all honesty, I really hope it isn't true and it's some sort of Friday the 13th prank or something. The kid does sort of look like Eddie Munster. But however chilling Eddie Munster was supposed to be, it is NOTHING compared to this.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Oh Yes Please!
I know it would be horrible and I would be giving money to the last place I would ever want my money to go, but if this story comes true, I would ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO own Sarah Palin's book. And let's be honest, if the other part comes to be, I would probably read it while I watch her talk show. I cannot express to you how much I would love to hate both of these media products. Also, I would probably wear the McCain-Palin "Country First" t-shirt my D.C.-native friend, Jenn just brought me back from the Inauguration venders. It would be an amazing time friends, and you can be assured that it would provide a never-ending stream of blog posts. Until the show is canceled and the book is banned...But here's to hoping anyway!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
What a great looking presidency!
Besides President Obama's (still getting chills when I hear it) lofty goals and eloquent ability to communicate them, I am excited about this presidency for the pure fact that we have some really attractive people leading our country right now. I mean look at this picture:
I am excited to look at these people for at least the next four years. And I love how you can see the love in the new first family:
I could look at them all day. Here's some more if you would like to indulge as well:
I don't think anyone can look at these pictures and disagree that the Obamas are pretty much the new Kennedys. It's going to be a great four years.
I am excited to look at these people for at least the next four years. And I love how you can see the love in the new first family:
I could look at them all day. Here's some more if you would like to indulge as well:
I don't think anyone can look at these pictures and disagree that the Obamas are pretty much the new Kennedys. It's going to be a great four years.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
FINALLY!
Ok, I'm not really that excited that Idol's back, but it will give me something to watch between 24 and The Bachelor on Mondays and Top Chef Wednesdays. There were many fantastic moments in last night's premier including:
1) Pink cowgirl obsessed with the new judge
2) Pink Cowgirl getting rejected by the new judge
3) Bikini Girl
4) Bikini Girl having a spontaneous sing-off with the new judge
5) Bikini Girl getting through because of the male judges
6) Seacrest yet again showing us he is gay by refusing to kiss Bikini Girl
6) Fake rocker dude turning into a drama queen and crying
7) Paula's incoherent, nonsensical crazy
But let's be honest. While we can laugh all day at the delusional people who think they're the next big thing and we can celebrate the 2 legitimately talented people that Fox decides to show us, the best moment of the night came at the very end. I'm not talking about the blind man's courage to overcome his handicap to sing (because really, being blind is such a monumental obstacle to singing ability). I'm referencing this legendary moment:
Yes, that is Ryan Seacrest trying to high five a blind man. Golden moment. Clearly, season 8 is off to a fantastic start and I cannot wait for the rest of the latest season I love to hate and hate to love.
1) Pink cowgirl obsessed with the new judge
2) Pink Cowgirl getting rejected by the new judge
3) Bikini Girl
4) Bikini Girl having a spontaneous sing-off with the new judge
5) Bikini Girl getting through because of the male judges
6) Seacrest yet again showing us he is gay by refusing to kiss Bikini Girl
6) Fake rocker dude turning into a drama queen and crying
7) Paula's incoherent, nonsensical crazy
But let's be honest. While we can laugh all day at the delusional people who think they're the next big thing and we can celebrate the 2 legitimately talented people that Fox decides to show us, the best moment of the night came at the very end. I'm not talking about the blind man's courage to overcome his handicap to sing (because really, being blind is such a monumental obstacle to singing ability). I'm referencing this legendary moment:
Yes, that is Ryan Seacrest trying to high five a blind man. Golden moment. Clearly, season 8 is off to a fantastic start and I cannot wait for the rest of the latest season I love to hate and hate to love.
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