Obligitory Oscar post

So I'm late in writing, but I was too tired yesterday seeing as how I stayed up until past midnight to watch all of the Oscars. But it was totally worth it! Fist of all, I loved Neil Patrick Harris opening the show. I was wondering what they were going to do about the usual musical number since I didn't see Alec Baldwin choreographing it up. I think there's a new hosting job in store for the future for NPH. Second, I thought Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did a decent job, though I thought Steve probably could have done it just fine by himself. Side note: LOVED the joke about how he and Gabourey Sidibe were similar having both played characters who were "born a poor black child." Both great movies.

In terms of the awards, there were few surprises, which I enjoyed because I thought the favorites all deserved the awards they received. Case in point: Mo'nique. Only iffy area was Meryl Streep missing the Oscar (again!) to Sandra Bullock. Though to be fair, The Blind Side is the only serious Best Actress contending movie I haven't seen yet, so I suppose I can't really judge until then. Plus Sandra's speech was one of the best I've heard in a while. I also love that she showed up to accept her Razzie for All About Steve the day before.

But obviously the big news of the night was The Hurt Locker dominance. All the hype had been "Avatar is the new Titanic" for so long, but there was so little to back that up. Yes, the visual aspect was amazing, especially in 3D, and it definitely deserved the technical Oscars. However, the fact that people who didn't see it in 3D generally didn't really think it was so amazing, speaks to the actual quality of the movie. If it can't stand alone without making your eyeballs explode, it's not that great of a movie. PS: if you've seen Pocahontas, you know the plot of Avatar.

I think the best win of the night was Kathryn Bigelow for Best Director (The Hurt Locker). The best part of her even being nominated was that it set up an amazing storyline of a rivalry between Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron beyond their movies since they used to be married. That was nothing though compared to the amazing seating arrangement at the awards ceremony where James Cameron was sitting directly behind his ex-wife the entire night. He literally got a front-row seat to her many celebrations throughout the night as her movie beat out his again and again, culminating with her beating him in the head-to-head competition, becoming the first woman to win for Best Director. It was a moment as golden as the statuette she can rub in his face.
Who's king queen of the world now?

THANK YOU!!!

I mean seriously, it's about freaking time! A Michigan Company just came out with the SarcMark, a symbol to be used to denote sarcasm in online communication. The article implies that it it is meant to replace the punctuation of the sentence, so instead of a period or question mark, you would end the sentence with their symbol. I don't think that will happen. My theory is that it will be more like an emoticon. But that's only if it makes it out to the masses. Right now they want $1.99 in exchange for giving your keyboard the ability to make their mark. Yeah, that'll happen...and this symbol in no way loks like a smiling worm...

Maybe that $1.99 might be worth it after all.

Hey Paula! Tell us how you feel with another season of your show!

So the big entertainment news of the week is that our favorite lesbian Ellen Degeneres is replacing our favorite addict Paula Abdul on American Idol. I was honestly shocked at the news. Actually, I was shocked that Paula was quitting in the first place. She brings the crazy and the nonsensical critique mixed in with the irrelevant compliments. Honestly, no one can replace quips like:

"Simon gave me advice he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the corn flake always finds the melon, and one of you didn't pick the right fortune."

...

What?

But I guess we all saw Paula leaving when they brought in Kara "everything I say has sexual undertones" DioGuardi. I just assumed though that they would go back to the 3 judge format until they realized that Paula makes that show and her absence was costing them viewers, at which point Paula would return in a grandiose manner (sort of like when she "performed" her song last season, but without the lip syncing). But bringing Ellen on will certainly take care of that problem. She has a huge following and her role as a judge certainly persuaded me to change my plan to free up 3 hours of TV a week by not watching Idol.

In the end, I have to hand it to Fox for once again demonstrating the evil genious that is their network. I look forward to seeing how Ellen does as the voice of the people as she put it. But there will always be a void where Paula once was. Ellen can bring the laughs, but she can never top the crazy.

Superhero in Heels-Part I

Here's the scoop: MY SISTER'S GETTING MARRIED! Equally exciting is that I have been given the role of Maid of Honor, aka MOH, aka "superhero in heels" according to the internet. I'm not going to bore you with all the details as this process unfolds, but if something entertaining (like what I'm about to share) happens, it will be here.

So, for the first installment of this newly designated superhero's wedding planning themed blog, I'm tackling dresses. But not the one you might think. This installment is about the Mother of the Bride/Groom dress.

I would normally expect and hope for something classy, dignified, and flattering, like one of these:
I could see my mom and the groom's mom in any of these. However, apparently there are some women out there who, I don't know, might be on the prowl at their child's wedding. I'm not saying that this is completely out of the question, or wrong if that happens to be the circumstances. What I am saying, is that neither the models nor (I'm pretty sure) anyone wanting to wear these dresses are anyone's mother:


Yes, these are bad. But I saved the best for last. 1) It's basically a white dress. You don't wear white to a wedding unless it is your wedding. 2) If you love your body, good for you. I'm all for feeling attractive and desirable at any age, but even if you do have this body, if you are the mother of a bride, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THIS TO YOUR CHILD'S WEDDING. EVER.

NEVER!! JUST. DON'T.
PLEASE.

Sorry, this is a crappy post

So if you haven't seen this amazing As Seen on TV product yet, please watch this video.



That's right, The Comfort Wipe. Because scrunching and folding without the extra step of attaching the TP to a stick was JUST TOO HARD! Not since the 1880s has toilet paper improved so dramatically!

Wait. What? What happened in the 1880s that made TP so much better?

Well, being a researcher, I did some research. I learned that paper for this purpose has been around since like the 1300s in China. Elsewhere, non-wealthy people were using a variety of other objects for the purpose including rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, seashells and corn cobs. Yikes. Turns out, most of the TP changing action was happening in the 1870s where the perforated roll was patented by this dude, Zeth Wheeler:
Then Scotts started making the rolls was but embarrassed to put their name on the "sensitive" product. The only activity of the 80s that I found was some other dude patenting the package and manufacturing process. More than you wanted to know right? Well, we're all learning something. Deal with it.

But here's the other problem. This commercial claims, and I quote, "The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s." Really Comfort Wipe? You don't think anything great has happened to TP since the packaging and manufacturing process? I, and I think everyone else who have used it since then, would beg to differ, considering 50 years after the 1880s, Northern Tissue started advertising their brand as "splinter-free." I'd say that's an improvement. Not to mention the comforting quilted patterns, scented and lotioned TP, and the fun designs you can get at www.justtoiletpaper.com. (Please go and watch that video too. The guy is WAY too excited about their monogramed TP rolls).

Also, here's the other gem I found. In Ancient Rome, people used sponges on sticks to clean up after they did their business. So let's get this straight. Not only is the Comfort Wipe NOT the first improvement since the 1880s, it's a resurrection of virtually the same idea from ANCIENT ROME. So much for it being a "modern solution."

Finally, I just can't say enough about how much but I LOVE those testimonials. What, exactly, are the obvious advantages to being a big guy? And that lady freaking cracks me up. Let's give her her own commercial for like uppers or something...whatever is making her act like a 1920's starlet from Jersey. Golden.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a Cheeto!

So you remember our friends, the Cheetos that look like things, right? (here). Well, in case you have your own delicious snack that you're looking to make money off of, Cheetos is actually going to help you out. They have this amazing section in their website called the Cheetos Look-Alike Analyzer. It's fun, but I have to say, not very accurate.

Take Crucifix Cheesus.
This is probably the most viable of the snack food look-alikes that I've seen, but the Cheetos analyzer might disagree. Maybe they don't want to get all religious, which is fine, but these are the results I got. (Yes, I ran it more than once. Because I am just that cool.)
1. The Battle of Gettysburg
2. Submarine
3. A Sock
4. The Battle of Gettysburg

The website also tells you the estimated value of your Cheeto look-alike. The Gettysburg one will get me $$$ on eBay. Just in case eBay or your greedy friends looking to share your new-found fortune need hard evidence before supporting your venture, the website also provides you with downloadable proof. Here's mine for the answer I got half the times I tried:


Not the best quality, but there's the so-called proof. I guess the Cheeto is supposed to be the guy in the left corner? Whatever. It might be fun to make this the official standard by which all eBay look-alike snacks are judged. People might be a lot less crazy about it, because, maybe, just maybe, they would realize how ridiculous this whole thing is in the first place.

Who would win?

It's back friends! The happens-whenever-something-like-this-comes-up segment is back. And it's a doozy, inspired by an entry at Dlisted. Today's match-up:

Billy Mays vs. Vince the ShamWow Guy

*Ding Ding*

Round 1: Yell-off. Let's be honest, Billy Mays would win hands down, no questions asked. Done.

Round 2: Sales pitch. Here's where Billy's trademark voice gets him in trouble. He's just so freaking annoying that I haven't heard the name of any product he's sold since OxyClean. Vince is still annoying, but at least he's not yelling at me. He wins this round.

Round 3: Appearing under the influence of drugs. Billy yells and sells like he's on crack and needs you to buy his product so he can get another fix. Yet Vince, with that face and pointy hair, could pass as some sort of cracked-out reptile. It's a close one, but I'm going to have to give the edge to Vince here because of how he rocks that headset. It's a TV commercial Vince. You don't need it. But he's wearing it anyway. There's no one on the other end except the voices of the infomercial gods. It adds that little extra crazy, so I'm giving this round to Vince too.

Round 4: Physical fight. You might be quick to jump to the conclusion that Billy would win because he's bigger. That might be true. He also has a larger array of products at his disposal he could use in a fight. BUT, Vince only needs his towel to absorb all those chemicals Billy's throwing at him. All Vince has to do is wait until Billy's out of ammo, then throw the ShamWow at him. With all the stuff that's in there something's bound to explode on impact. Even if it doesn't, the smell of those chemicals will kill him within seconds. (Vince would be fine. Remember? Cracked-out reptile. You think Amy Winehouse has any sense of smell left?) I'd give the edge to Vince.

We have a winner! Final score: Billy Mays 1-Vince 3

Feel free to argue, but I'm going to stick with it.

I never thought I'd say it, but my children are never going to date

This is why.

That kid is that other kid's father. That's right, FATHER. Alfie (a totally mature name for a father) is a whopping 13 years old. His child was conceived with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was 12. What did they do? Pass a note to each other?

Do you want to have a baby with me?
Circle one
Yes No Maybe

I'm pretty sure that's how relationships generally went when I was 13. Besides the fact that this kid looks like he's really about 8 and is only 4 feet tall, the best part is the commentary from Alfie & co.

His dad commends him for taking responsibility saying "He could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation. But he has been at the hospital every day." That will last for about 2 seconds until the next Grand Theft Auto game comes out...which by the way I don't think he's old enough to buy without an adult.

His baby mama had this to say: "We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you." Alfie also said "When my mum found out, I thought I was going to get in trouble." Yeah, if you are worried about getting grounded for being pregnant, I'm pretty sure that's a sign you're too young to have kids.

Alfie, who is apparently a gold mine of soundbites, also had this to say: "I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10." Ummm, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to cut it. That won't even cover one of your Playstation games.

Honestly, my first thought when I read this was that it couldn't be real. I mean, the story is just so outlandish and these quote are just too perfect to fuel criticism (my head about exploded when I read these people's insight into the situation), and in all honesty, I really hope it isn't true and it's some sort of Friday the 13th prank or something. The kid does sort of look like Eddie Munster. But however chilling Eddie Munster was supposed to be, it is NOTHING compared to this.

Oh Yes Please!

I know it would be horrible and I would be giving money to the last place I would ever want my money to go, but if this story comes true, I would ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO own Sarah Palin's book. And let's be honest, if the other part comes to be, I would probably read it while I watch her talk show. I cannot express to you how much I would love to hate both of these media products. Also, I would probably wear the McCain-Palin "Country First" t-shirt my D.C.-native friend, Jenn just brought me back from the Inauguration venders. It would be an amazing time friends, and you can be assured that it would provide a never-ending stream of blog posts. Until the show is canceled and the book is banned...But here's to hoping anyway!

What a great looking presidency!

Besides President Obama's (still getting chills when I hear it) lofty goals and eloquent ability to communicate them, I am excited about this presidency for the pure fact that we have some really attractive people leading our country right now. I mean look at this picture:

I am excited to look at these people for at least the next four years. And I love how you can see the love in the new first family:


I could look at them all day. Here's some more if you would like to indulge as well:




I don't think anyone can look at these pictures and disagree that the Obamas are pretty much the new Kennedys. It's going to be a great four years.

FINALLY!

Ok, I'm not really that excited that Idol's back, but it will give me something to watch between 24 and The Bachelor on Mondays and Top Chef Wednesdays. There were many fantastic moments in last night's premier including:

1) Pink cowgirl obsessed with the new judge
2) Pink Cowgirl getting rejected by the new judge
3) Bikini Girl
4) Bikini Girl having a spontaneous sing-off with the new judge
5) Bikini Girl getting through because of the male judges
6) Seacrest yet again showing us he is gay by refusing to kiss Bikini Girl
6) Fake rocker dude turning into a drama queen and crying
7) Paula's incoherent, nonsensical crazy

But let's be honest. While we can laugh all day at the delusional people who think they're the next big thing and we can celebrate the 2 legitimately talented people that Fox decides to show us, the best moment of the night came at the very end. I'm not talking about the blind man's courage to overcome his handicap to sing (because really, being blind is such a monumental obstacle to singing ability). I'm referencing this legendary moment:



Yes, that is Ryan Seacrest trying to high five a blind man. Golden moment. Clearly, season 8 is off to a fantastic start and I cannot wait for the rest of the latest season I love to hate and hate to love.

Time is Running Out!!

Quick! Everybody! I hope you haven't spent all your holiday money already on day-after-Christmas sales because I have the perfect gift to yourself!

That's right friends. Just when we thought the void in our lives left by the absence of Sarah Palin couldn't be filled, now we can all have a little maverick every day for an entire year! I don't know what any of the monthly pictures are, but rifle-toting Palin on the cover is entertainment enough for me. Only 5 days left to order to get the maximum daily dose of the almost-but-not-quite Vice President! Order now!

I think we all earned a new puppy

I know I've made it no secret who I was rooting for in this election, and I've been pretty harsh on one certain VP candidate. However, on the day after all is said and done, I feel that everyone needs to acknowledge this one thing: history was made last night. Regardless of your opinions, we as Americans just witnessed something truly special. Doors were opened for so many people last night and our country will never be the same. Our children and their children will learn about this moment and we lived through it. This election made people of all ages excited to vote and people of all ages voted for the first time in their lives. It truly brought out the best in democracy and our country as a whole. Even though we were divided by politics, we were united by the process. I only hope that the level of involvement and excitement that people had yesterday remains for years and generations to come. Stay informed, stay involved, and no matter what your views, just vote. You can't be a part of history if you do nothing.

Holy cow it's not a Palin post!

Yes I'm not blogging about the gift from the political humor gods and instead will discuss a gift from people who work for another god. You know, the churchy one. Specifically, the Catholic one. I've noticed this has been another of my favorite topics as I have several "foods that look like religious figures" posts, and even one about the "abuse-themed coloring book" those awesome Catholics put out last year. Well, in case that coloring book wasn't enough for you, I just got this story from CNN.com.

First of all, I know you can't see it in the hyperlink text, but if you clicked on it and read the URL address, I think you'll see that the first problem is that CNN decided to code name this article "churchabuse.garden." Sweet. As for the content of the article itself, basically what happened is that a church in California has decided to atone for priests' sins by building a special garden dedicated to remembering the sexual abuse that so many children suffered.

Where did they build this garden you ask? Next to a church. Yeah. Great idea. I'm sure all the sex abuse victims will be clamoring to get to a church for their garden. They say they took the victims' feelings of discomfort at a church into consideration when building this garden, and that's why it isn't inside the church. This is also why one of the benches faces away from the church to overlook a lake. Ok, maybe it's just me, but if something terrible like that happened to me, sure I wouldn't want to look at a church, but don't think I'd want to have my back to a building populated by clergy either.

Also, they have a nice little plaque to remind everyone why this garden is there. Here is the inscription: "This healing garden, planned by survivors, is dedicated to those innocents sexually abused by members of the clergy. We remember, and we affirm: Never again." Again, maybe it's just me, but "never again" should mean never again, not "You sexually abused children, let's transfer you to a different parish instead of firing you and having you arrested." Also, it isn't so much the church apologizing as it is victims pushing to get something done because clearly, without them, the church would still be actively ignoring the problem.

Finally, this garden is on a rooftop next to the church! Regardless of how victims feel going there, this is just poor planning! A) What kid doesn't want to go on a rooftop? and B) Why is this place so secluded and with so many view-blocking bushes? I would hate to think that it would happen, I'm just saying it's set up pretty well to hide potentially criminal activities. God forbid.

I don't want this to end! (But really, it has to)

I thought I would just make a compilation of my top ten favorite Sarah Palin internet material (so far) not including the SNL opener and Sarah Palin as president website I posted earlier, which will be updated until Nov 4 so keep checking that second link.

10) The International Press confusing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin

9) Hunting with Palin

8) Bristol Palin (and her super uncomfortable shotgun fiancé)
7) Dress Up Sarah Palin

6) Disney Movie


5)Community Chest


4) "Shoo! Get back over there!"


3) "Increasingly adorable"


2) You don't even need writers!


1) Sentence Structure with Sarah

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D-I-V-O-R-C-E

That's what your stupid ass would be getting if you were married to me, idiot guy from CNN video.



I mean really, I can't even tell you how angry I would be if I was that woman. Maybe she won't be so mad if she is Republican, but if it were me, I think there are 2 things to address here.

1) What the hell are you thinking naming our child after candidates to be president and vice-president, the latter who is so clearly unqualified and a ploy for votes?
2) Who goes behind their spouse's back to name their child?

And how do you do that? Don't you need like signatures or something?

In sum, if this guy was my husband, I'm pretty sure he'd be doing a lot more than time on the couch. He would be gone until he filed the paperwork to change the name to Ava Grace like it's supposed to be.

Is there anything Sarah Palin can't make funny?

Besides the fact that she might be president of course. That's just terrifying. But I have to say that this website (thank you Mitch!) is probably a fairly accurate representation of what the Madame President's office would look like. Please, just click on everything in there, and click many things more than once because her response changes (the globe, the door, Palin herself). And mouse over the windows early because something walks by the window that you won't want to miss. Also, let me just say that you could play a drinking game to this website. Keyword: Maverick. Best expressed through the Top Gun poster I think. (You'll have to look for it.)

And I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I love love love Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. I love tina Fey in general, but if this will boost ratings of her show 30 Rock, I'm all for exploiting this character as much as possible until the election. Tina Fey love aside, I love the fact that this website has reference to Tina Fey. (Look for it when you find Katie Couric) Also, the way she chooses baby names I'm sure has to be close to her real method. Her commentary was also dead on. I might be a little sad when Palin falls off the face of the global warming earth into the arms of a hugging God after Nov. 4. It will surely be a dark day for comedy, but I'm willing to sacrifice that in exchange for a presidency that doesn't make me want to move to Canada before the United States dies.


Also, I am now just 1 degree away from being able to just straight up laugh in her face and ask the hard-hitting, important, two-part question that I think journalists like my new friend Charlie Gibson have yet to ask: "Really Sarah Palin? Are you serious?" I mean, the whole nation has to be on Pop Fiction or Punk'd or something. For reals. Where's Ashton?

Nothing more needs to be said

Please tell me you watched the SNL premiere this weekend. I have been looking forward to it since, well, since John McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. Sure, I thought it would be fun to see Michael Phelps finally not succeed at something, but my first thought when Sarah came on the scene was Tina Fey. Thank you Tiny Fey for saving at least one sketch of the season opener and doing it so well, that I was satisfied with the entire episode based solely on your impersonation. It was amazing, and all I can say is that I hope Tina Fey stays on the top of Lorne Michaels' speed dial throughout this election. If you didn't see it, please watch the clip. And watch it many times because it's funny every time.

Wha? I can't... I just..... Ugh!!!

I am very excited about this Presidential election. I've been watching CNN all morning waiting for McCain to announce his running mate. Actually, let me clarify. I don't care who he picks, I already know I'm voting for Obama. I'm really watching because I'm excited McCain is making this announcement in Dayton, 30 minutes from my house in the same building in which my high school graduation ceremony was held. I'm also extremely interested because of the strategy behind this placement. Dayton, Ohio is in the only county from Cincinnati to outside Toledo to consistently vote Democratic in the last 3 Presidential elections. This is evil genius.

But I'm also watching just because this is a big election and it's important and I want to keep abreast of what is going on and it's interesting to hear people analyze the strategy behind every move. So, you can imagine the frenzy that came with the announcement that John McCain is going to choose Sarah Palin, yes a woman, as his VP running mate.


Here is the speculated strategery behind McCain's choice.
1) She is a woman. Can we say "Hillary supporters"?
2) She is 44. McCain is 659. Ok, not really, but today is his 72nd birthday. Can we say "sugar daddy"? I mean, a trophy wife and a trophy VP? Come on dude.
3) She is anti-abortion. How do we know? She has 5 kids. No, just kidding, that's not their proof, but she does have 5 kids. Their proof comes in the fact that she was recently pregnant, found out the baby was going to have Down's Syndrom, and went ahead and had the baby anyway! Well good for you Mrs. Palin, you're not a horrible monster! This is the most ridiculous argument I have ever heard in my life and I can't believe they actually said anything about it. They actually just said she is a "hero" in the eyes of the pro-life community. I cannot even begin to tell you how despicable I think this is.

Of course, there are criticisms as well.
1) She's young and inexperienced. She's only been governor of Alaska, yes Alaska, for 2 years. Besides that, McCain, 72. Four years, 76. He would be the oldest person elected President. Should anything happen, we would have a 2-year Alaskan governor running the country. I feel the Republicans will suddenly stop their criticisms of Obama's inexperience...
2) Her son is a soldier set to go to Iraq in the coming months and her baby has Down's Syndrome. Can she be objective about the war, care for her other 4 children, and be able to give her special-needs child enough attention while being the VP? Here's a question: would anyone have even thought about these questions if McCain's choice was a man with these same issues? I feel very safe in saying a definite no.

So if news outlets let go of the anti-abortion thing, I think I could totally get on board with this. Her accent makes me laugh and she can take some amazing photos. If we should have to look at McCain for four years, I think the occasional Palin picture could keep me entertained.

Praise the Lord, it's happened again!

Once again, Jesus has blessed us with his presence in the most unusual of places. Unlike the time before, and the time before that when Jesus manifested in snack foods, this time, he's making an appearance using an animal. But not just any animal, one of the classiest and most respected of all animals: a moth. I couldn't find a picture of the sacred moth, but please look at this video and examine the holy clothes eater.



Ok is it just me, or does this moth look like trucker Jesus?

These images just keep getting more and more far fetched each time. Although this one might be my favorite because if anything, it looks like Jesus with a trucker hat, and also because I think you can hear the CNN reporter making fun of it while telling the story. And I don't blame her. I only write about these things because I think they're so stupid. It's her job, but I can stop any time I want. I just choose not to.