Nothing more needs to be said

Please tell me you watched the SNL premiere this weekend. I have been looking forward to it since, well, since John McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. Sure, I thought it would be fun to see Michael Phelps finally not succeed at something, but my first thought when Sarah came on the scene was Tina Fey. Thank you Tiny Fey for saving at least one sketch of the season opener and doing it so well, that I was satisfied with the entire episode based solely on your impersonation. It was amazing, and all I can say is that I hope Tina Fey stays on the top of Lorne Michaels' speed dial throughout this election. If you didn't see it, please watch the clip. And watch it many times because it's funny every time.

Wha? I can't... I just..... Ugh!!!

I am very excited about this Presidential election. I've been watching CNN all morning waiting for McCain to announce his running mate. Actually, let me clarify. I don't care who he picks, I already know I'm voting for Obama. I'm really watching because I'm excited McCain is making this announcement in Dayton, 30 minutes from my house in the same building in which my high school graduation ceremony was held. I'm also extremely interested because of the strategy behind this placement. Dayton, Ohio is in the only county from Cincinnati to outside Toledo to consistently vote Democratic in the last 3 Presidential elections. This is evil genius.

But I'm also watching just because this is a big election and it's important and I want to keep abreast of what is going on and it's interesting to hear people analyze the strategy behind every move. So, you can imagine the frenzy that came with the announcement that John McCain is going to choose Sarah Palin, yes a woman, as his VP running mate.


Here is the speculated strategery behind McCain's choice.
1) She is a woman. Can we say "Hillary supporters"?
2) She is 44. McCain is 659. Ok, not really, but today is his 72nd birthday. Can we say "sugar daddy"? I mean, a trophy wife and a trophy VP? Come on dude.
3) She is anti-abortion. How do we know? She has 5 kids. No, just kidding, that's not their proof, but she does have 5 kids. Their proof comes in the fact that she was recently pregnant, found out the baby was going to have Down's Syndrom, and went ahead and had the baby anyway! Well good for you Mrs. Palin, you're not a horrible monster! This is the most ridiculous argument I have ever heard in my life and I can't believe they actually said anything about it. They actually just said she is a "hero" in the eyes of the pro-life community. I cannot even begin to tell you how despicable I think this is.

Of course, there are criticisms as well.
1) She's young and inexperienced. She's only been governor of Alaska, yes Alaska, for 2 years. Besides that, McCain, 72. Four years, 76. He would be the oldest person elected President. Should anything happen, we would have a 2-year Alaskan governor running the country. I feel the Republicans will suddenly stop their criticisms of Obama's inexperience...
2) Her son is a soldier set to go to Iraq in the coming months and her baby has Down's Syndrome. Can she be objective about the war, care for her other 4 children, and be able to give her special-needs child enough attention while being the VP? Here's a question: would anyone have even thought about these questions if McCain's choice was a man with these same issues? I feel very safe in saying a definite no.

So if news outlets let go of the anti-abortion thing, I think I could totally get on board with this. Her accent makes me laugh and she can take some amazing photos. If we should have to look at McCain for four years, I think the occasional Palin picture could keep me entertained.

Praise the Lord, it's happened again!

Once again, Jesus has blessed us with his presence in the most unusual of places. Unlike the time before, and the time before that when Jesus manifested in snack foods, this time, he's making an appearance using an animal. But not just any animal, one of the classiest and most respected of all animals: a moth. I couldn't find a picture of the sacred moth, but please look at this video and examine the holy clothes eater.



Ok is it just me, or does this moth look like trucker Jesus?

These images just keep getting more and more far fetched each time. Although this one might be my favorite because if anything, it looks like Jesus with a trucker hat, and also because I think you can hear the CNN reporter making fun of it while telling the story. And I don't blame her. I only write about these things because I think they're so stupid. It's her job, but I can stop any time I want. I just choose not to.

Who would win?

I think I should start this as a semi-regular-whenever-something-like-this-comes-up segment here on the old blog. It's thought provoking and entertaining and sometimes you need to see a little conflict. I doubt any will be as intense as the epic and controversial battle between Maggie and Stewie, but I guarantee this one is wildly more pointless. More pointless? Whatever. It's way less important.

So here are this segment's contenders:

The Cheeto Jesuses!

On the left, we have what looks like a crucifix Jesus Cheeto from Missouri, and on the right we have a praying? Jesus Cheeto from a youth pastor in Texas around Easter time. I've already discussed my feelings on people who think their snack foods look like things, so I won't get on my snack box and start preaching again. And I'm not even sure in what sense these Cheesuses (dlisted.com's word, not mine) would be fighting because I would imagine that a Jesus vs. Jesus battle would be pretty evenly matched. So let's go with a look-alike contest.

I think they both have their strongpoints. Both look like Jesus in fairly iconic positions, though lefty is probably more recognizable as righty doesn't really look like he's kneeling; it kind of just looks like his legs end at the knee. However, righty does have the street cred being found by a youth pastor on Easter. But here's the downfall with righty: sideways, it looks like a lion. I suppose if you get all Biblical that would also be a plus, but if we're finding Jesus in Cheetos, I'm not sure there's room for multiple layers. Overall, I think lefty really has the overall advantage of being a crucifix. I mean if you eat that Cheesus (sacrelige!), chances are it'll come back in 3 days. It has staying power!

Winner: Crucifix Cheesus

I could "W"atch this all day

Really. I can't believe this is actually a movie. Oliver Stone's "W." is pretty much a dream come true. I don't think you can even make fun of it because it does such a great job all by itself. Although I do have to point out the quick scene with Condoleezza Rice looks like she's just sitting there thinking "What can you do? That's just Dubya" while sighing and shaking her head. "That's just Dubya" should have been the title. It opens all kinds of doors for a spin-off sitcom..."Wonder what's going on in the wacky world of W? Watch this week to find out!" And the show should have as much alliteration as possible. W should also star as himself. He's going to need something to do after this 8 year vacation he just had. Plus it'd be great watching him try to do the alliteration because you know he'd think he was doing it when he's way off and no one would tell him he was doing it wrong.

Bitches Be Crazy...

Someone please just take all technology away from Miley Cyrus. Better yet, take it away from all the Disney kids because this is just nothing but trouble all the way. Someone really needs to tell them that unlike other people who post random rants on youtube, people will actually watch what you have up and you will face backlash. It's part of being a celebrity in a technological age where your fans are the most tech-savvy age group. People are going to watch this and think you're a bitch, and that isn't good for you Miley...you have enough problems.

It's a close one...

A recent conversation brought up a very intriguing question that I don't think has an easy answer and I can't believe I haven't thought about before: Who would win in an all-out brawl between Maggie Simpson and Stewie Griffin? I'm sure this question has been asked before given the many, many parallels between the two shows, but I feel fairly qualified to throw in my two cents on this throw down.

In keeping with tradition of ladies first, let's start with Maggie. A number of years ago, America debated and placed bets all summer long in anticipation of who shot Mr. Burns in The Simpsons cliffhanger season finale. Who would have thought it was Maggie? The youngest Simpson's inability to speak (only ever saying "Dada" and "sequel" as a baby) and ability to not arouse suspicion affords her the element of surprise, allowing her to sleep with a gun under the pillow of her crib, just in case her dad should get in trouble with the mafia on their front lawn.

Stewie on the other hand has never been subtle about his plans for world domination or desire to kill his mother. He has tried to kill her in numerous episodes, but poor timing, bad aim, or the rare good parenting always gets in the way. The most infamous of his threats come to fruition was recently when he actually followed through (sort of) on his murderous plot. He followed his parents onto a cruise ship and shot Lois at the rear of the boat where she fell overboard and was lost at sea and presumed dead, at least until she burst into the courtroom Kool-Aid Man style, pointing to her youngest as her attacker. Turns out the whole thing was a virtual reality simulation of said events, voiding all that transpired.

So the score so far I think goes in Maggie's favor, since she actually shot someone while Stewie's gun battle was fantasy. Let's look at more minor events for further evaluation. Both babies have other baby arch-nemeses: Maggie has the unibrow baby Gerald, Stewie has half-brother Bertram. To my knowledge, I don't believe Maggie and Gerald have ever done anything more than exchange menacing looks, but Stewie used his immense brain power to shrink himself and enter Peter's body to destroy what would become Bertram. They inadvertantly become pseudo-friends and Stewie lets him live to become a specimen at the sperm bank, and they eventually resume their rivalry outside the womb. I'd say this round would go to Stewie since he is showing more determination in dealing with the enemy.

So while Maggie has the experience, she lacks malicious intent. Stewie has the drive, but lacks follow through. Both have above-average planning skills for other children their age: Maggie organized a Mission:Impossible-esque crusade to retrieve pacifiers for an entire daycare, Stewie built a machine to alter the weather in an effort to prevent broccoli from growing just so he wouldn't have to eat it.

Taking all of this into account, here is my conclusion. In a no weapons battle, I'd go with Stewie since he can walk consistently without falling down. In a shootout, my money would be on Maggie since she has more experience and better aim than Stewie. If the babies are allowed to choose their weapons though, it has to be Stewie simply because he has a mind for inventing deadly devices. In the end though, they are still both babies and in any prolonged battle (which this would be since they are so evenly matched) they would probably both get tired and the match would end not with a victor, but with a nap.