Obligitory Oscar post

So I'm late in writing, but I was too tired yesterday seeing as how I stayed up until past midnight to watch all of the Oscars. But it was totally worth it! Fist of all, I loved Neil Patrick Harris opening the show. I was wondering what they were going to do about the usual musical number since I didn't see Alec Baldwin choreographing it up. I think there's a new hosting job in store for the future for NPH. Second, I thought Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did a decent job, though I thought Steve probably could have done it just fine by himself. Side note: LOVED the joke about how he and Gabourey Sidibe were similar having both played characters who were "born a poor black child." Both great movies.

In terms of the awards, there were few surprises, which I enjoyed because I thought the favorites all deserved the awards they received. Case in point: Mo'nique. Only iffy area was Meryl Streep missing the Oscar (again!) to Sandra Bullock. Though to be fair, The Blind Side is the only serious Best Actress contending movie I haven't seen yet, so I suppose I can't really judge until then. Plus Sandra's speech was one of the best I've heard in a while. I also love that she showed up to accept her Razzie for All About Steve the day before.

But obviously the big news of the night was The Hurt Locker dominance. All the hype had been "Avatar is the new Titanic" for so long, but there was so little to back that up. Yes, the visual aspect was amazing, especially in 3D, and it definitely deserved the technical Oscars. However, the fact that people who didn't see it in 3D generally didn't really think it was so amazing, speaks to the actual quality of the movie. If it can't stand alone without making your eyeballs explode, it's not that great of a movie. PS: if you've seen Pocahontas, you know the plot of Avatar.

I think the best win of the night was Kathryn Bigelow for Best Director (The Hurt Locker). The best part of her even being nominated was that it set up an amazing storyline of a rivalry between Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron beyond their movies since they used to be married. That was nothing though compared to the amazing seating arrangement at the awards ceremony where James Cameron was sitting directly behind his ex-wife the entire night. He literally got a front-row seat to her many celebrations throughout the night as her movie beat out his again and again, culminating with her beating him in the head-to-head competition, becoming the first woman to win for Best Director. It was a moment as golden as the statuette she can rub in his face.
Who's king queen of the world now?

THANK YOU!!!

I mean seriously, it's about freaking time! A Michigan Company just came out with the SarcMark, a symbol to be used to denote sarcasm in online communication. The article implies that it it is meant to replace the punctuation of the sentence, so instead of a period or question mark, you would end the sentence with their symbol. I don't think that will happen. My theory is that it will be more like an emoticon. But that's only if it makes it out to the masses. Right now they want $1.99 in exchange for giving your keyboard the ability to make their mark. Yeah, that'll happen...and this symbol in no way loks like a smiling worm...

Maybe that $1.99 might be worth it after all.

Hey Paula! Tell us how you feel with another season of your show!

So the big entertainment news of the week is that our favorite lesbian Ellen Degeneres is replacing our favorite addict Paula Abdul on American Idol. I was honestly shocked at the news. Actually, I was shocked that Paula was quitting in the first place. She brings the crazy and the nonsensical critique mixed in with the irrelevant compliments. Honestly, no one can replace quips like:

"Simon gave me advice he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the corn flake always finds the melon, and one of you didn't pick the right fortune."

...

What?

But I guess we all saw Paula leaving when they brought in Kara "everything I say has sexual undertones" DioGuardi. I just assumed though that they would go back to the 3 judge format until they realized that Paula makes that show and her absence was costing them viewers, at which point Paula would return in a grandiose manner (sort of like when she "performed" her song last season, but without the lip syncing). But bringing Ellen on will certainly take care of that problem. She has a huge following and her role as a judge certainly persuaded me to change my plan to free up 3 hours of TV a week by not watching Idol.

In the end, I have to hand it to Fox for once again demonstrating the evil genious that is their network. I look forward to seeing how Ellen does as the voice of the people as she put it. But there will always be a void where Paula once was. Ellen can bring the laughs, but she can never top the crazy.

Superhero in Heels-Part I

Here's the scoop: MY SISTER'S GETTING MARRIED! Equally exciting is that I have been given the role of Maid of Honor, aka MOH, aka "superhero in heels" according to the internet. I'm not going to bore you with all the details as this process unfolds, but if something entertaining (like what I'm about to share) happens, it will be here.

So, for the first installment of this newly designated superhero's wedding planning themed blog, I'm tackling dresses. But not the one you might think. This installment is about the Mother of the Bride/Groom dress.

I would normally expect and hope for something classy, dignified, and flattering, like one of these:
I could see my mom and the groom's mom in any of these. However, apparently there are some women out there who, I don't know, might be on the prowl at their child's wedding. I'm not saying that this is completely out of the question, or wrong if that happens to be the circumstances. What I am saying, is that neither the models nor (I'm pretty sure) anyone wanting to wear these dresses are anyone's mother:


Yes, these are bad. But I saved the best for last. 1) It's basically a white dress. You don't wear white to a wedding unless it is your wedding. 2) If you love your body, good for you. I'm all for feeling attractive and desirable at any age, but even if you do have this body, if you are the mother of a bride, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THIS TO YOUR CHILD'S WEDDING. EVER.

NEVER!! JUST. DON'T.
PLEASE.

Sorry, this is a crappy post

So if you haven't seen this amazing As Seen on TV product yet, please watch this video.



That's right, The Comfort Wipe. Because scrunching and folding without the extra step of attaching the TP to a stick was JUST TOO HARD! Not since the 1880s has toilet paper improved so dramatically!

Wait. What? What happened in the 1880s that made TP so much better?

Well, being a researcher, I did some research. I learned that paper for this purpose has been around since like the 1300s in China. Elsewhere, non-wealthy people were using a variety of other objects for the purpose including rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, seashells and corn cobs. Yikes. Turns out, most of the TP changing action was happening in the 1870s where the perforated roll was patented by this dude, Zeth Wheeler:
Then Scotts started making the rolls was but embarrassed to put their name on the "sensitive" product. The only activity of the 80s that I found was some other dude patenting the package and manufacturing process. More than you wanted to know right? Well, we're all learning something. Deal with it.

But here's the other problem. This commercial claims, and I quote, "The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s." Really Comfort Wipe? You don't think anything great has happened to TP since the packaging and manufacturing process? I, and I think everyone else who have used it since then, would beg to differ, considering 50 years after the 1880s, Northern Tissue started advertising their brand as "splinter-free." I'd say that's an improvement. Not to mention the comforting quilted patterns, scented and lotioned TP, and the fun designs you can get at www.justtoiletpaper.com. (Please go and watch that video too. The guy is WAY too excited about their monogramed TP rolls).

Also, here's the other gem I found. In Ancient Rome, people used sponges on sticks to clean up after they did their business. So let's get this straight. Not only is the Comfort Wipe NOT the first improvement since the 1880s, it's a resurrection of virtually the same idea from ANCIENT ROME. So much for it being a "modern solution."

Finally, I just can't say enough about how much but I LOVE those testimonials. What, exactly, are the obvious advantages to being a big guy? And that lady freaking cracks me up. Let's give her her own commercial for like uppers or something...whatever is making her act like a 1920's starlet from Jersey. Golden.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a Cheeto!

So you remember our friends, the Cheetos that look like things, right? (here). Well, in case you have your own delicious snack that you're looking to make money off of, Cheetos is actually going to help you out. They have this amazing section in their website called the Cheetos Look-Alike Analyzer. It's fun, but I have to say, not very accurate.

Take Crucifix Cheesus.
This is probably the most viable of the snack food look-alikes that I've seen, but the Cheetos analyzer might disagree. Maybe they don't want to get all religious, which is fine, but these are the results I got. (Yes, I ran it more than once. Because I am just that cool.)
1. The Battle of Gettysburg
2. Submarine
3. A Sock
4. The Battle of Gettysburg

The website also tells you the estimated value of your Cheeto look-alike. The Gettysburg one will get me $$$ on eBay. Just in case eBay or your greedy friends looking to share your new-found fortune need hard evidence before supporting your venture, the website also provides you with downloadable proof. Here's mine for the answer I got half the times I tried:


Not the best quality, but there's the so-called proof. I guess the Cheeto is supposed to be the guy in the left corner? Whatever. It might be fun to make this the official standard by which all eBay look-alike snacks are judged. People might be a lot less crazy about it, because, maybe, just maybe, they would realize how ridiculous this whole thing is in the first place.

Who would win?

It's back friends! The happens-whenever-something-like-this-comes-up segment is back. And it's a doozy, inspired by an entry at Dlisted. Today's match-up:

Billy Mays vs. Vince the ShamWow Guy

*Ding Ding*

Round 1: Yell-off. Let's be honest, Billy Mays would win hands down, no questions asked. Done.

Round 2: Sales pitch. Here's where Billy's trademark voice gets him in trouble. He's just so freaking annoying that I haven't heard the name of any product he's sold since OxyClean. Vince is still annoying, but at least he's not yelling at me. He wins this round.

Round 3: Appearing under the influence of drugs. Billy yells and sells like he's on crack and needs you to buy his product so he can get another fix. Yet Vince, with that face and pointy hair, could pass as some sort of cracked-out reptile. It's a close one, but I'm going to have to give the edge to Vince here because of how he rocks that headset. It's a TV commercial Vince. You don't need it. But he's wearing it anyway. There's no one on the other end except the voices of the infomercial gods. It adds that little extra crazy, so I'm giving this round to Vince too.

Round 4: Physical fight. You might be quick to jump to the conclusion that Billy would win because he's bigger. That might be true. He also has a larger array of products at his disposal he could use in a fight. BUT, Vince only needs his towel to absorb all those chemicals Billy's throwing at him. All Vince has to do is wait until Billy's out of ammo, then throw the ShamWow at him. With all the stuff that's in there something's bound to explode on impact. Even if it doesn't, the smell of those chemicals will kill him within seconds. (Vince would be fine. Remember? Cracked-out reptile. You think Amy Winehouse has any sense of smell left?) I'd give the edge to Vince.

We have a winner! Final score: Billy Mays 1-Vince 3

Feel free to argue, but I'm going to stick with it.