Who would win?

It's back friends! The happens-whenever-something-like-this-comes-up segment is back. And it's a doozy, inspired by an entry at Dlisted. Today's match-up:

Billy Mays vs. Vince the ShamWow Guy

*Ding Ding*

Round 1: Yell-off. Let's be honest, Billy Mays would win hands down, no questions asked. Done.

Round 2: Sales pitch. Here's where Billy's trademark voice gets him in trouble. He's just so freaking annoying that I haven't heard the name of any product he's sold since OxyClean. Vince is still annoying, but at least he's not yelling at me. He wins this round.

Round 3: Appearing under the influence of drugs. Billy yells and sells like he's on crack and needs you to buy his product so he can get another fix. Yet Vince, with that face and pointy hair, could pass as some sort of cracked-out reptile. It's a close one, but I'm going to have to give the edge to Vince here because of how he rocks that headset. It's a TV commercial Vince. You don't need it. But he's wearing it anyway. There's no one on the other end except the voices of the infomercial gods. It adds that little extra crazy, so I'm giving this round to Vince too.

Round 4: Physical fight. You might be quick to jump to the conclusion that Billy would win because he's bigger. That might be true. He also has a larger array of products at his disposal he could use in a fight. BUT, Vince only needs his towel to absorb all those chemicals Billy's throwing at him. All Vince has to do is wait until Billy's out of ammo, then throw the ShamWow at him. With all the stuff that's in there something's bound to explode on impact. Even if it doesn't, the smell of those chemicals will kill him within seconds. (Vince would be fine. Remember? Cracked-out reptile. You think Amy Winehouse has any sense of smell left?) I'd give the edge to Vince.

We have a winner! Final score: Billy Mays 1-Vince 3

Feel free to argue, but I'm going to stick with it.

I never thought I'd say it, but my children are never going to date

This is why.

That kid is that other kid's father. That's right, FATHER. Alfie (a totally mature name for a father) is a whopping 13 years old. His child was conceived with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was 12. What did they do? Pass a note to each other?

Do you want to have a baby with me?
Circle one
Yes No Maybe

I'm pretty sure that's how relationships generally went when I was 13. Besides the fact that this kid looks like he's really about 8 and is only 4 feet tall, the best part is the commentary from Alfie & co.

His dad commends him for taking responsibility saying "He could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation. But he has been at the hospital every day." That will last for about 2 seconds until the next Grand Theft Auto game comes out...which by the way I don't think he's old enough to buy without an adult.

His baby mama had this to say: "We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you." Alfie also said "When my mum found out, I thought I was going to get in trouble." Yeah, if you are worried about getting grounded for being pregnant, I'm pretty sure that's a sign you're too young to have kids.

Alfie, who is apparently a gold mine of soundbites, also had this to say: "I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10." Ummm, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to cut it. That won't even cover one of your Playstation games.

Honestly, my first thought when I read this was that it couldn't be real. I mean, the story is just so outlandish and these quote are just too perfect to fuel criticism (my head about exploded when I read these people's insight into the situation), and in all honesty, I really hope it isn't true and it's some sort of Friday the 13th prank or something. The kid does sort of look like Eddie Munster. But however chilling Eddie Munster was supposed to be, it is NOTHING compared to this.

Oh Yes Please!

I know it would be horrible and I would be giving money to the last place I would ever want my money to go, but if this story comes true, I would ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO own Sarah Palin's book. And let's be honest, if the other part comes to be, I would probably read it while I watch her talk show. I cannot express to you how much I would love to hate both of these media products. Also, I would probably wear the McCain-Palin "Country First" t-shirt my D.C.-native friend, Jenn just brought me back from the Inauguration venders. It would be an amazing time friends, and you can be assured that it would provide a never-ending stream of blog posts. Until the show is canceled and the book is banned...But here's to hoping anyway!

What a great looking presidency!

Besides President Obama's (still getting chills when I hear it) lofty goals and eloquent ability to communicate them, I am excited about this presidency for the pure fact that we have some really attractive people leading our country right now. I mean look at this picture:

I am excited to look at these people for at least the next four years. And I love how you can see the love in the new first family:


I could look at them all day. Here's some more if you would like to indulge as well:




I don't think anyone can look at these pictures and disagree that the Obamas are pretty much the new Kennedys. It's going to be a great four years.

FINALLY!

Ok, I'm not really that excited that Idol's back, but it will give me something to watch between 24 and The Bachelor on Mondays and Top Chef Wednesdays. There were many fantastic moments in last night's premier including:

1) Pink cowgirl obsessed with the new judge
2) Pink Cowgirl getting rejected by the new judge
3) Bikini Girl
4) Bikini Girl having a spontaneous sing-off with the new judge
5) Bikini Girl getting through because of the male judges
6) Seacrest yet again showing us he is gay by refusing to kiss Bikini Girl
6) Fake rocker dude turning into a drama queen and crying
7) Paula's incoherent, nonsensical crazy

But let's be honest. While we can laugh all day at the delusional people who think they're the next big thing and we can celebrate the 2 legitimately talented people that Fox decides to show us, the best moment of the night came at the very end. I'm not talking about the blind man's courage to overcome his handicap to sing (because really, being blind is such a monumental obstacle to singing ability). I'm referencing this legendary moment:



Yes, that is Ryan Seacrest trying to high five a blind man. Golden moment. Clearly, season 8 is off to a fantastic start and I cannot wait for the rest of the latest season I love to hate and hate to love.

Time is Running Out!!

Quick! Everybody! I hope you haven't spent all your holiday money already on day-after-Christmas sales because I have the perfect gift to yourself!

That's right friends. Just when we thought the void in our lives left by the absence of Sarah Palin couldn't be filled, now we can all have a little maverick every day for an entire year! I don't know what any of the monthly pictures are, but rifle-toting Palin on the cover is entertainment enough for me. Only 5 days left to order to get the maximum daily dose of the almost-but-not-quite Vice President! Order now!

I think we all earned a new puppy

I know I've made it no secret who I was rooting for in this election, and I've been pretty harsh on one certain VP candidate. However, on the day after all is said and done, I feel that everyone needs to acknowledge this one thing: history was made last night. Regardless of your opinions, we as Americans just witnessed something truly special. Doors were opened for so many people last night and our country will never be the same. Our children and their children will learn about this moment and we lived through it. This election made people of all ages excited to vote and people of all ages voted for the first time in their lives. It truly brought out the best in democracy and our country as a whole. Even though we were divided by politics, we were united by the process. I only hope that the level of involvement and excitement that people had yesterday remains for years and generations to come. Stay informed, stay involved, and no matter what your views, just vote. You can't be a part of history if you do nothing.