I'm Just Sayin...

Obligitory Oscar post

2010-03-09T20:41:00.005-05:00

So I'm late in writing, but I was too tired yesterday seeing as how I stayed up until past midnight to watch all of the Oscars. But it was totally worth it! Fist of all, I loved Neil Patrick Harris opening the show. I was wondering what they were going to do about the usual musical number since I didn't see Alec Baldwin choreographing it up. I think there's a new hosting job in store for the future for NPH. Second, I thought Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did a decent job, though I thought Steve probably could have done it just fine by himself. Side note: LOVED the joke about how he and Gabourey Sidibe were similar having both played characters who were "born a poor black child." Both great movies.

In terms of the awards, there were few surprises, which I enjoyed because I thought the favorites all deserved the awards they received. Case in point: Mo'nique. Only iffy area was Meryl Streep missing the Oscar (again!) to Sandra Bullock. Though to be fair, The Blind Side is the only serious Best Actress contending movie I haven't seen yet, so I suppose I can't really judge until then. Plus Sandra's speech was one of the best I've heard in a while. I also love that she showed up to accept her Razzie for All About Steve the day before.

But obviously the big news of the night was The Hurt Locker dominance. All the hype had been "Avatar is the new Titanic" for so long, but there was so little to back that up. Yes, the visual aspect was amazing, especially in 3D, and it definitely deserved the technical Oscars. However, the fact that people who didn't see it in 3D generally didn't really think it was so amazing, speaks to the actual quality of the movie. If it can't stand alone without making your eyeballs explode, it's not that great of a movie. PS: if you've seen Pocahontas, you know the plot of Avatar.

I think the best win of the night was Kathryn Bigelow for Best Director (The Hurt Locker). The best part of her even being nominated was that it set up an amazing storyline of a rivalry between Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron beyond their movies since they used to be married. That was nothing though compared to the amazing seating arrangement at the awards ceremony where James Cameron was sitting directly behind his ex-wife the entire night. He literally got a front-row seat to her many celebrations throughout the night as her movie beat out his again and again, culminating with her beating him in the head-to-head competition, becoming the first woman to win for Best Director. It was a moment as golden as the statuette she can rub in his face.
Who's ~~king~~ queen of the world now?

THANK YOU!!!

2010-01-13T18:42:00.004-05:00

I mean seriously, it's about freaking time! A Michigan Company just came out with the SarcMark, a symbol to be used to denote sarcasm in online communication. The article implies that it it is meant to replace the punctuation of the sentence, so instead of a period or question mark, you would end the sentence with their symbol. I don't think that will happen. My theory is that it will be more like an emoticon. But that's only if it makes it out to the masses. Right now they want $1.99 in exchange for giving your keyboard the ability to make their mark. Yeah, that'll happen...and this symbol in no way loks like a smiling worm...

Maybe that $1.99 might be worth it after all.

Hey Paula! Tell us how you feel with another season of your show!

2009-09-11T20:24:00.004-04:00

So the big entertainment news of the week is that our favorite lesbian Ellen Degeneres is replacing our favorite addict Paula Abdul on American Idol. I was honestly shocked at the news. Actually, I was shocked that Paula was quitting in the first place. She brings the crazy and the nonsensical critique mixed in with the irrelevant compliments. Honestly, no one can replace quips like:

"Simon gave me advice he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the corn flake always finds the melon, and one of you didn't pick the right fortune."

...

What?

But I guess we all saw Paula leaving when they brought in Kara "everything I say has sexual undertones" DioGuardi. I just assumed though that they would go back to the 3 judge format until they realized that Paula makes that show and her absence was costing them viewers, at which point Paula would return in a grandiose manner (sort of like when she "performed" her song last season, but without the lip syncing). But bringing Ellen on will certainly take care of that problem. She has a huge following and her role as a judge certainly persuaded me to change my plan to free up 3 hours of TV a week by not watching Idol.

In the end, I have to hand it to Fox for once again demonstrating the evil genious that is their network. I look forward to seeing how Ellen does as the voice of the people as she put it. But there will always be a void where Paula once was. Ellen can bring the laughs, but she can never top the crazy.

Superhero in Heels-Part I

2009-07-19T23:25:00.008-04:00

Here's the scoop: MY SISTER'S GETTING MARRIED! Equally exciting is that I have been given the role of Maid of Honor, aka MOH, aka "superhero in heels" according to the internet. I'm not going to bore you with all the details as this process unfolds, but if something entertaining (like what I'm about to share) happens, it will be here.

So, for the first installment of this newly designated superhero's wedding planning themed blog, I'm tackling dresses. But not the one you might think. This installment is about the Mother of the Bride/Groom dress.

I would normally expect and hope for something classy, dignified, and flattering, like one of these:
I could see my mom and the groom's mom in any of these. However, apparently there are some women out there who, I don't know, might be on the prowl at their child's wedding. I'm not saying that this is completely out of the question, or wrong if that happens to be the circumstances. What I am saying, is that neither the models nor (I'm pretty sure) anyone wanting to wear these dresses are anyone's mother:

Yes, these are bad. But I saved the best for last. 1) It's basically a white dress. You don't wear white to a wedding unless it is your wedding. 2) If you love your body, good for you. I'm all for feeling attractive and desirable at any age, but even if you do have this body, if you are the mother of a bride, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THIS TO YOUR CHILD'S WEDDING. EVER.

NEVER!! JUST. DON'T.
PLEASE.

Sorry, this is a crappy post

2009-06-14T10:51:00.005-04:00

So if you haven't seen this amazing As Seen on TV product yet, please watch this video.

That's right, The Comfort Wipe. Because scrunching and folding without the extra step of attaching the TP to a stick was JUST TOO HARD! Not since the 1880s has toilet paper improved so dramatically!

Wait. What? What happened in the 1880s that made TP so much better?

Well, being a researcher, I did some research. I learned that paper for this purpose has been around since like the 1300s in China. Elsewhere, non-wealthy people were using a variety of other objects for the purpose including rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, seashells and corn cobs. Yikes. Turns out, most of the TP changing action was happening in the 1870s where the perforated roll was patented by this dude, Zeth Wheeler:
Then Scotts started making the rolls was but embarrassed to put their name on the "sensitive" product. The only activity of the 80s that I found was some other dude patenting the package and manufacturing process. More than you wanted to know right? Well, we're all learning something. Deal with it.

But here's the other problem. This commercial claims, and I quote, "The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s." Really Comfort Wipe? You don't think anything great has happened to TP since the packaging and manufacturing process? I, and I think everyone else who have used it since then, would beg to differ, considering 50 years after the 1880s, Northern Tissue started advertising their brand as "splinter-free." I'd say that's an improvement. Not to mention the comforting quilted patterns, scented and lotioned TP, and the fun designs you can get at www.justtoiletpaper.com. (Please go and watch that video too. The guy is WAY too excited about their monogramed TP rolls).

Also, here's the other gem I found. In Ancient Rome, people used sponges on sticks to clean up after they did their business. So let's get this straight. Not only is the Comfort Wipe NOT the first improvement since the 1880s, it's a resurrection of virtually the same idea from ANCIENT ROME. So much for it being a "modern solution."

Finally, I just can't say enough about how much but I LOVE those testimonials. What, exactly, are the obvious advantages to being a big guy? And that lady freaking cracks me up. Let's give her her own commercial for like uppers or something...whatever is making her act like a 1920's starlet from Jersey. Golden.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a Cheeto!

2009-04-10T16:54:00.005-04:00

So you remember our friends, the Cheetos that look like things, right? (here). Well, in case you have your own delicious snack that you're looking to make money off of, Cheetos is actually going to help you out. They have this amazing section in their website called the Cheetos Look-Alike Analyzer. It's fun, but I have to say, not very accurate.

Take Crucifix Cheesus.
This is probably the most viable of the snack food look-alikes that I've seen, but the Cheetos analyzer might disagree. Maybe they don't want to get all religious, which is fine, but these are the results I got. (Yes, I ran it more than once. Because I am just that cool.)
1. The Battle of Gettysburg
2. Submarine
3. A Sock
4. The Battle of Gettysburg

The website also tells you the estimated value of your Cheeto look-alike. The Gettysburg one will get me $$$ on eBay. Just in case eBay or your greedy friends looking to share your new-found fortune need hard evidence before supporting your venture, the website also provides you with downloadable proof. Here's mine for the answer I got half the times I tried:

Not the best quality, but there's the so-called proof. I guess the Cheeto is supposed to be the guy in the left corner? Whatever. It might be fun to make this the official standard by which all eBay look-alike snacks are judged. People might be a lot less crazy about it, because, maybe, just maybe, they would realize how ridiculous this whole thing is in the first place.

Who would win?

2009-02-13T12:03:00.003-05:00

It's back friends! The happens-whenever-something-like-this-comes-up segment is back. And it's a doozy, inspired by an entry at Dlisted. Today's match-up:

Billy Mays vs. Vince the ShamWow Guy

*Ding Ding*

Round 1: Yell-off. Let's be honest, Billy Mays would win hands down, no questions asked. Done.

Round 2: Sales pitch. Here's where Billy's trademark voice gets him in trouble. He's just so freaking annoying that I haven't heard the name of any product he's sold since OxyClean. Vince is still annoying, but at least he's not yelling at me. He wins this round.

Round 3: Appearing under the influence of drugs. Billy yells and sells like he's on crack and needs you to buy his product so he can get another fix. Yet Vince, with that face and pointy hair, could pass as some sort of cracked-out reptile. It's a close one, but I'm going to have to give the edge to Vince here because of how he rocks that headset. It's a TV commercial Vince. You don't need it. But he's wearing it anyway. There's no one on the other end except the voices of the infomercial gods. It adds that little extra crazy, so I'm giving this round to Vince too.

Round 4: Physical fight. You might be quick to jump to the conclusion that Billy would win because he's bigger. That might be true. He also has a larger array of products at his disposal he could use in a fight. BUT, Vince only needs his towel to absorb all those chemicals Billy's throwing at him. All Vince has to do is wait until Billy's out of ammo, then throw the ShamWow at him. With all the stuff that's in there something's bound to explode on impact. Even if it doesn't, the smell of those chemicals will kill him within seconds. (Vince would be fine. Remember? Cracked-out reptile. You think Amy Winehouse has any sense of smell left?) I'd give the edge to Vince.

We have a winner! Final score: Billy Mays 1-Vince 3

Feel free to argue, but I'm going to stick with it.

I never thought I'd say it, but my children are never going to date

2009-02-13T10:32:00.004-05:00

This is why.

That kid is that other kid's father. That's right, FATHER. Alfie (a totally mature name for a father) is a whopping 13 years old. His child was conceived with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was 12. What did they do? Pass a note to each other?

Do you want to have a baby with me?
Circle one
Yes No Maybe

I'm pretty sure that's how relationships generally went when I was 13. Besides the fact that this kid looks like he's really about 8 and is only 4 feet tall, the best part is the commentary from Alfie & co.

His dad commends him for taking responsibility saying "He could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation. But he has been at the hospital every day." That will last for about 2 seconds until the next Grand Theft Auto game comes out...which by the way I don't think he's old enough to buy without an adult.

His baby mama had this to say: "We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you." Alfie also said "When my mum found out, I thought I was going to get in trouble." Yeah, if you are worried about getting grounded for being pregnant, I'm pretty sure that's a sign you're too young to have kids.

Alfie, who is apparently a gold mine of soundbites, also had this to say: "I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10." Ummm, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to cut it. That won't even cover one of your Playstation games.

Honestly, my first thought when I read this was that it couldn't be real. I mean, the story is just so outlandish and these quote are just too perfect to fuel criticism (my head about exploded when I read these people's insight into the situation), and in all honesty, I really hope it isn't true and it's some sort of Friday the 13th prank or something. The kid does sort of look like Eddie Munster. But however chilling Eddie Munster was supposed to be, it is NOTHING compared to this.

Oh Yes Please!

2009-01-22T19:56:00.003-05:00

I know it would be horrible and I would be giving money to the last place I would ever want my money to go, but if this story comes true, I would ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO own Sarah Palin's book. And let's be honest, if the other part comes to be, I would probably read it while I watch her talk show. I cannot express to you how much I would love to hate both of these media products. Also, I would probably wear the McCain-Palin "Country First" t-shirt my D.C.-native friend, Jenn just brought me back from the Inauguration venders. It would be an amazing time friends, and you can be assured that it would provide a never-ending stream of blog posts. Until the show is canceled and the book is banned...But here's to hoping anyway!

What a great looking presidency!

2009-01-21T11:09:00.009-05:00

Besides President Obama's (still getting chills when I hear it) lofty goals and eloquent ability to communicate them, I am excited about this presidency for the pure fact that we have some really attractive people leading our country right now. I mean look at this picture:

I am excited to look at these people for at least the next four years. And I love how you can see the love in the new first family:

I could look at them all day. Here's some more if you would like to indulge as well:

I don't think anyone can look at these pictures and disagree that the Obamas are pretty much the new Kennedys. It's going to be a great four years.

FINALLY!

2009-01-14T10:40:00.004-05:00

Ok, I'm not really that excited that Idol's back, but it will give me something to watch between 24 and The Bachelor on Mondays and Top Chef Wednesdays. There were many fantastic moments in last night's premier including:

1) Pink cowgirl obsessed with the new judge
2) Pink Cowgirl getting rejected by the new judge
3) Bikini Girl
4) Bikini Girl having a spontaneous sing-off with the new judge
5) Bikini Girl getting through because of the male judges
6) Seacrest yet again showing us he is gay by refusing to kiss Bikini Girl
6) Fake rocker dude turning into a drama queen and crying
7) Paula's incoherent, nonsensical crazy

But let's be honest. While we can laugh all day at the delusional people who think they're the next big thing and we can celebrate the 2 legitimately talented people that Fox decides to show us, the best moment of the night came at the very end. I'm not talking about the blind man's courage to overcome his handicap to sing (because really, being blind is such a monumental obstacle to singing ability). I'm referencing this legendary moment:

Yes, that is Ryan Seacrest trying to high five a blind man. Golden moment. Clearly, season 8 is off to a fantastic start and I cannot wait for the rest of the latest season I love to hate and hate to love.

Time is Running Out!!

2008-12-26T09:47:00.003-05:00

Quick! Everybody! I hope you haven't spent all your holiday money already on day-after-Christmas sales because I have the perfect gift to yourself!

That's right friends. Just when we thought the void in our lives left by the absence of Sarah Palin couldn't be filled, now we can all have a little maverick every day for an entire year! I don't know what any of the monthly pictures are, but rifle-toting Palin on the cover is entertainment enough for me. Only 5 days left to order to get the maximum daily dose of the almost-but-not-quite Vice President! Order now!

I think we all earned a new puppy

2008-11-05T14:20:00.009-05:00

I know I've made it no secret who I was rooting for in this election, and I've been pretty harsh on one certain VP candidate. However, on the day after all is said and done, I feel that everyone needs to acknowledge this one thing: history was made last night. Regardless of your opinions, we as Americans just witnessed something truly special. Doors were opened for so many people last night and our country will never be the same. Our children and their children will learn about this moment and we lived through it. This election made people of all ages excited to vote and people of all ages voted for the first time in their lives. It truly brought out the best in democracy and our country as a whole. Even though we were divided by politics, we were united by the process. I only hope that the level of involvement and excitement that people had yesterday remains for years and generations to come. Stay informed, stay involved, and no matter what your views, just vote. You can't be a part of history if you do nothing.

Holy cow it's not a Palin post!

2008-10-23T15:28:00.004-04:00

Yes I'm not blogging about the gift from the political humor gods and instead will discuss a gift from people who work for another god. You know, the churchy one. Specifically, the Catholic one. I've noticed this has been another of my favorite topics as I have several "foods that look like religious figures" posts, and even one about the "abuse-themed coloring book" those awesome Catholics put out last year. Well, in case that coloring book wasn't enough for you, I just got this story from CNN.com.

First of all, I know you can't see it in the hyperlink text, but if you clicked on it and read the URL address, I think you'll see that the first problem is that CNN decided to code name this article "churchabuse.garden." Sweet. As for the content of the article itself, basically what happened is that a church in California has decided to atone for priests' sins by building a special garden dedicated to remembering the sexual abuse that so many children suffered.

Where did they build this garden you ask? Next to a church. Yeah. Great idea. I'm sure all the sex abuse victims will be clamoring to get to a church for their garden. They say they took the victims' feelings of discomfort at a church into consideration when building this garden, and that's why it isn't inside the church. This is also why one of the benches faces away from the church to overlook a lake. Ok, maybe it's just me, but if something terrible like that happened to me, sure I wouldn't want to look at a church, but don't think I'd want to have my back to a building populated by clergy either.

Also, they have a nice little plaque to remind everyone why this garden is there. Here is the inscription: "This healing garden, planned by survivors, is dedicated to those innocents sexually abused by members of the clergy. We remember, and we affirm: Never again." Again, maybe it's just me, but "never again" should mean never again, not "You sexually abused children, let's transfer you to a different parish instead of firing you and having you arrested." Also, it isn't so much the church apologizing as it is victims pushing to get something done because clearly, without them, the church would still be actively ignoring the problem.

Finally, this garden is on a rooftop next to the church! Regardless of how victims feel going there, this is just poor planning! A) What kid doesn't want to go on a rooftop? and B) Why is this place so secluded and with so many view-blocking bushes? I would hate to think that it would happen, I'm just saying it's set up pretty well to hide potentially criminal activities. God forbid.

I don't want this to end! (But really, it has to)

2008-10-18T10:50:00.006-04:00

I thought I would just make a compilation of my top ten favorite Sarah Palin internet material (so far) not including the SNL opener and Sarah Palin as president website I posted earlier, which will be updated until Nov 4 so keep checking that second link.

10) The International Press confusing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin

9) Hunting with Palin

8) Bristol Palin (and her super uncomfortable shotgun fiancé)
7) Dress Up Sarah Palin

6) Disney Movie

5)Community Chest

4) "Shoo! Get back over there!"

3) "Increasingly adorable"

2) You don't even need writers!

1) Sentence Structure with Sarah

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

2008-10-16T11:09:00.005-04:00

That's what your stupid ass would be getting if you were married to me, idiot guy from CNN video.

I mean really, I can't even tell you how angry I would be if I was that woman. Maybe she won't be so mad if she is Republican, but if it were me, I think there are 2 things to address here.

1) What the hell are you thinking naming our child after candidates to be president and vice-president, the latter who is so clearly unqualified and a ploy for votes?
2) Who goes behind their spouse's back to name their child?

And how do you do that? Don't you need like signatures or something?

In sum, if this guy was my husband, I'm pretty sure he'd be doing a lot more than time on the couch. He would be gone until he filed the paperwork to change the name to Ava Grace like it's supposed to be.

Is there anything Sarah Palin can't make funny?

2008-10-15T22:53:00.004-04:00

Besides the fact that she might be president of course. That's just terrifying. But I have to say that this website (thank you Mitch!) is probably a fairly accurate representation of what the Madame President's office would look like. Please, just click on everything in there, and click many things more than once because her response changes (the globe, the door, Palin herself). And mouse over the windows early because something walks by the window that you won't want to miss. Also, let me just say that you could play a drinking game to this website. Keyword: Maverick. Best expressed through the Top Gun poster I think. (You'll have to look for it.)

And I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I love love love Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. I love tina Fey in general, but if this will boost ratings of her show 30 Rock, I'm all for exploiting this character as much as possible until the election. Tina Fey love aside, I love the fact that this website has reference to Tina Fey. (Look for it when you find Katie Couric) Also, the way she chooses baby names I'm sure has to be close to her real method. Her commentary was also dead on. I might be a little sad when Palin falls off the face of the global warming earth into the arms of a hugging God after Nov. 4. It will surely be a dark day for comedy, but I'm willing to sacrifice that in exchange for a presidency that doesn't make me want to move to Canada before the United States dies.

Also, I am now just 1 degree away from being able to just straight up laugh in her face and ask the hard-hitting, important, two-part question that I think journalists like my new friend Charlie Gibson have yet to ask: "Really Sarah Palin? Are you serious?" I mean, the whole nation has to be on Pop Fiction or Punk'd or something. For reals. Where's Ashton?

Nothing more needs to be said

2008-09-15T14:02:00.002-04:00

Please tell me you watched the SNL premiere this weekend. I have been looking forward to it since, well, since John McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. Sure, I thought it would be fun to see Michael Phelps finally not succeed at something, but my first thought when Sarah came on the scene was Tina Fey. Thank you Tiny Fey for saving at least one sketch of the season opener and doing it so well, that I was satisfied with the entire episode based solely on your impersonation. It was amazing, and all I can say is that I hope Tina Fey stays on the top of Lorne Michaels' speed dial throughout this election. If you didn't see it, please watch the clip. And watch it many times because it's funny every time.

Wha? I can't... I just..... Ugh!!!

2008-08-29T11:12:00.009-04:00

I am very excited about this Presidential election. I've been watching CNN all morning waiting for McCain to announce his running mate. Actually, let me clarify. I don't care who he picks, I already know I'm voting for Obama. I'm really watching because I'm excited McCain is making this announcement in Dayton, 30 minutes from my house in the same building in which my high school graduation ceremony was held. I'm also extremely interested because of the strategy behind this placement. Dayton, Ohio is in the only county from Cincinnati to outside Toledo to consistently vote Democratic in the last 3 Presidential elections. This is evil genius.

But I'm also watching just because this is a big election and it's important and I want to keep abreast of what is going on and it's interesting to hear people analyze the strategy behind every move. So, you can imagine the frenzy that came with the announcement that John McCain is going to choose Sarah Palin, yes a woman, as his VP running mate.

Here is the speculated strategery behind McCain's choice.
1) She is a woman. Can we say "Hillary supporters"?
2) She is 44. McCain is 659. Ok, not really, but today is his 72nd birthday. Can we say "sugar daddy"? I mean, a trophy wife and a trophy VP? Come on dude.
3) She is anti-abortion. How do we know? She has 5 kids. No, just kidding, that's not their proof, but she does have 5 kids. Their proof comes in the fact that she was recently pregnant, found out the baby was going to have Down's Syndrom, and went ahead and had the baby anyway! Well good for you Mrs. Palin, you're not a horrible monster! This is the most ridiculous argument I have ever heard in my life and I can't believe they actually said anything about it. They actually just said she is a "hero" in the eyes of the pro-life community. I cannot even begin to tell you how despicable I think this is.

Of course, there are criticisms as well.
1) She's young and inexperienced. She's only been governor of Alaska, yes Alaska, for 2 years. Besides that, McCain, 72. Four years, 76. He would be the oldest person elected President. Should anything happen, we would have a 2-year Alaskan governor running the country. I feel the Republicans will suddenly stop their criticisms of Obama's inexperience...
2) Her son is a soldier set to go to Iraq in the coming months and her baby has Down's Syndrome. Can she be objective about the war, care for her other 4 children, and be able to give her special-needs child enough attention while being the VP? Here's a question: would anyone have even thought about these questions if McCain's choice was a man with these same issues? I feel very safe in saying a definite no.

So if news outlets let go of the anti-abortion thing, I think I could totally get on board with this. Her accent makes me laugh and she can take some amazing photos. If we should have to look at McCain for four years, I think the occasional Palin picture could keep me entertained.

Praise the Lord, it's happened again!

2008-08-28T10:10:00.007-04:00

Once again, Jesus has blessed us with his presence in the most unusual of places. Unlike the time before, and the time before that when Jesus manifested in snack foods, this time, he's making an appearance using an animal. But not just any animal, one of the classiest and most respected of all animals: a moth. I couldn't find a picture of the sacred moth, but please look at this video and examine the holy clothes eater.

Ok is it just me, or does this moth look like trucker Jesus?

These images just keep getting more and more far fetched each time. Although this one might be my favorite because if anything, it looks like Jesus with a trucker hat, and also because I think you can hear the CNN reporter making fun of it while telling the story. And I don't blame her. I only write about these things because I think they're so stupid. It's her job, but I can stop any time I want. I just choose not to.

Who would win?

2008-07-30T11:33:00.004-04:00

I think I should start this as a semi-regular-whenever-something-like-this-comes-up segment here on the old blog. It's thought provoking and entertaining and sometimes you need to see a little conflict. I doubt any will be as intense as the epic and controversial battle between Maggie and Stewie, but I guarantee this one is wildly more pointless. More pointless? Whatever. It's way less important.

So here are this segment's contenders:

The Cheeto Jesuses!

On the left, we have what looks like a crucifix Jesus Cheeto from Missouri, and on the right we have a praying? Jesus Cheeto from a youth pastor in Texas around Easter time. I've already discussed my feelings on people who think their snack foods look like things, so I won't get on my snack box and start preaching again. And I'm not even sure in what sense these Cheesuses (dlisted.com's word, not mine) would be fighting because I would imagine that a Jesus vs. Jesus battle would be pretty evenly matched. So let's go with a look-alike contest.

I think they both have their strongpoints. Both look like Jesus in fairly iconic positions, though lefty is probably more recognizable as righty doesn't really look like he's kneeling; it kind of just looks like his legs end at the knee. However, righty does have the street cred being found by a youth pastor on Easter. But here's the downfall with righty: sideways, it looks like a lion. I suppose if you get all Biblical that would also be a plus, but if we're finding Jesus in Cheetos, I'm not sure there's room for multiple layers. Overall, I think lefty really has the overall advantage of being a crucifix. I mean if you eat that Cheesus (sacrelige!), chances are it'll come back in 3 days. It has staying power!

Winner: Crucifix Cheesus

I could "W"atch this all day

2008-07-30T09:58:00.002-04:00

Really. I can't believe this is actually a movie. Oliver Stone's "W." is pretty much a dream come true. I don't think you can even make fun of it because it does such a great job all by itself. Although I do have to point out the quick scene with Condoleezza Rice looks like she's just sitting there thinking "What can you do? That's just Dubya" while sighing and shaking her head. "That's just Dubya" should have been the title. It opens all kinds of doors for a spin-off sitcom..."Wonder what's going on in the wacky world of W? Watch this week to find out!" And the show should have as much alliteration as possible. W should also star as himself. He's going to need something to do after this 8 year vacation he just had. Plus it'd be great watching him try to do the alliteration because you know he'd think he was doing it when he's way off and no one would tell him he was doing it wrong.

Bitches Be Crazy...

2008-07-25T14:54:00.002-04:00

Someone please just take all technology away from Miley Cyrus. Better yet, take it away from all the Disney kids because this is just nothing but trouble all the way. Someone really needs to tell them that unlike other people who post random rants on youtube, people will actually watch what you have up and you will face backlash. It's part of being a celebrity in a technological age where your fans are the most tech-savvy age group. People are going to watch this and think you're a bitch, and that isn't good for you Miley...you have enough problems.

It's a close one...

2008-07-15T10:46:00.003-04:00

A recent conversation brought up a very intriguing question that I don't think has an easy answer and I can't believe I haven't thought about before: Who would win in an all-out brawl between Maggie Simpson and Stewie Griffin? I'm sure this question has been asked before given the many, many parallels between the two shows, but I feel fairly qualified to throw in my two cents on this throw down.

In keeping with tradition of ladies first, let's start with Maggie. A number of years ago, America debated and placed bets all summer long in anticipation of who shot Mr. Burns in The Simpsons cliffhanger season finale. Who would have thought it was Maggie? The youngest Simpson's inability to speak (only ever saying "Dada" and "sequel" as a baby) and ability to not arouse suspicion affords her the element of surprise, allowing her to sleep with a gun under the pillow of her crib, just in case her dad should get in trouble with the mafia on their front lawn.

Stewie on the other hand has never been subtle about his plans for world domination or desire to kill his mother. He has tried to kill her in numerous episodes, but poor timing, bad aim, or the rare good parenting always gets in the way. The most infamous of his threats come to fruition was recently when he actually followed through (sort of) on his murderous plot. He followed his parents onto a cruise ship and shot Lois at the rear of the boat where she fell overboard and was lost at sea and presumed dead, at least until she burst into the courtroom Kool-Aid Man style, pointing to her youngest as her attacker. Turns out the whole thing was a virtual reality simulation of said events, voiding all that transpired.

So the score so far I think goes in Maggie's favor, since she actually shot someone while Stewie's gun battle was fantasy. Let's look at more minor events for further evaluation. Both babies have other baby arch-nemeses: Maggie has the unibrow baby Gerald, Stewie has half-brother Bertram. To my knowledge, I don't believe Maggie and Gerald have ever done anything more than exchange menacing looks, but Stewie used his immense brain power to shrink himself and enter Peter's body to destroy what would become Bertram. They inadvertantly become pseudo-friends and Stewie lets him live to become a specimen at the sperm bank, and they eventually resume their rivalry outside the womb. I'd say this round would go to Stewie since he is showing more determination in dealing with the enemy.

So while Maggie has the experience, she lacks malicious intent. Stewie has the drive, but lacks follow through. Both have above-average planning skills for other children their age: Maggie organized a Mission:Impossible-esque crusade to retrieve pacifiers for an entire daycare, Stewie built a machine to alter the weather in an effort to prevent broccoli from growing just so he wouldn't have to eat it.

Taking all of this into account, here is my conclusion. In a no weapons battle, I'd go with Stewie since he can walk consistently without falling down. In a shootout, my money would be on Maggie since she has more experience and better aim than Stewie. If the babies are allowed to choose their weapons though, it has to be Stewie simply because he has a mind for inventing deadly devices. In the end though, they are still both babies and in any prolonged battle (which this would be since they are so evenly matched) they would probably both get tired and the match would end not with a victor, but with a nap.

I had no idea America had SO MUCH talent!!

2008-07-03T10:19:00.005-04:00

Who would have thought America's Got Talent would uncover such an undiscovered talent? I mean really, this woman's talent is out of proportion with the rest of the country. She would have been a huge asset to the show and I can't believe the judges wouldn't let her hang around for the rest of the show...

Ok I'll stop now. Just watch the video below to see this woman's immense talent for yourself.

This man is my hero...

2008-06-12T21:08:00.002-04:00

He's in Cedar Rapids, Iowa where the flooding is just crazy. Pictures like this of people saving their pets always makes me a little misty because the animals are always so scared and grateful at the same time, and always look more pitiful when they're all wet like this (especially cats). Tugs on my heart strings for real.

Oh, this is not going to help...

2008-06-11T17:19:00.005-04:00

Has the whole world gone whore? First the Pussycat Dolls, now they're dragging cartoons into this mess? This needs to stop. The 80s are a thing of the past, I get it. But really, some things should just be left to what they were. I don't think this is a good change:

I actually think it's really sad. Strawberry Shortcake was adorable! Now she looks like every other cartoon girl out there: super-skinny, lipstick, long flowing hair...pretty much "that girl" in school that all the girls were jealous of because they thought she was soooooo perfect. Old school Shortcake's just kickin it with her cat, having a good time being who she is, wearing that giant hat and those bloomers like it's her job. But if you just look at new Shortcake's expression, it pretty much screams "I can't help it I'm so beautiful." By the way, they replaced her cat with a cell phone. Crime against humanity.

But don't think these geniuses are stopping with Shortcake. Oh no. Not by a long shot. Guess who's next on the list. Go ahead, guess. You'll never get it...

It's the Care Bears! You know what they're having done? Liposuction! Yeah. They're freaking bears! They don't need to lose weight!! They're supposed to be fat! I've never heard a little kid complain that their bear was too big. That's just ridiculous.

Also getting a face-lift (just as ridiculous but not as upsetting) is ToonTown in Disney World, the section of the park where Mickey Mouse lives. First of all, I thought ToonTown was a stupid idea in the first place and the worst section of the Disney Park (although that is where we met Cinderella which was awesome...that chick is hard to find). But, Mr. Robert Iger, Disney's chief executive, is looking to balance "heritage and innovation" by keeping the core of the characters the same while updating the world in which they live. How will they do this you ask? By adding an old-fashioned trolley to the area. Brilliant.

So going back to homegirl Shortcake for a moment, they're downplaying her sugar-loving side and promoting her fruit side. According to Jeffrey Conrad, American Greetings' head creative designer, "We’re downplaying characters that were part of Strawberry’s world but who didn’t immediately shout out fruit.”

Umm, speaking of shouting fruit... Can we please recall how bad it was when they tried to update Ken?

His name was Earring Magic Ken! Clearly only bad things happen when classics are updated. Let's try being creative again. Maybe that will work.

When I grow up...I'm going to be a whore!

2008-06-08T16:08:00.005-04:00

Because, you know, that's every little girl's dream. And oh those Pussycat Dolls have kept hope alive for young girls everywhere. Did you happen to see their MTV Movie Awards performance? If you didn't (and I know you're just dying to see it), here it is for your viewing pleasure.

So, here's my question. What is up with the dancing? I mean, did you see YellowPants BoobScarf? (I don't know their names, so I will call them by their clothing). How is that girl's back not broken by her badass moves? Also, is it just me or can StripeShirt Boyshorts not dance? Maybe you didn't notice because she was almost never on screen. And RedPants Corset, I understand you have long hair and it's sexy or whatever, but really, you're allowed to acknowledge that it is in your face and move it. You have my permission. Then there's Wonder Woman...all I can say about you is nice job being backup dancer and not bringing unnecessary attention to yourself. Your secret identity is still safe. Finally, the lead singer GrannyPanties XenaBra. Actually, she never really dances. She really hardly even moves. While the other girls are working so hard walking down all those stairs, she just gets lowered down on a platform. Then for that weird part where they all randomly start ascending to the heavens, the stage picks her up while the others had to find their seat behind her. (There's some religious imagery in there, but I'm going to avoid it)

So all in all, I'm going to say that, while entertaining, this just wasn't good. I almost miss the days of the Spice Girls. Of course, they weren't great either, but at least only a couple of them took on the role of whore. They were 5 individuals with distinct identities created for them by a record company. And they were dressed as their names so you knew who each one was. So I guess what we learn from this is that maybe not all that much has changed. Members of girl pop bands are still dressing like their names, except now they all have the same name, Whore.

So let us leave with a remembrance of a simpler time, before girls were whores or "mother" became a descriptor for any of the spices.

Girl Power!

We'll be back right after this invasive message...

2008-06-05T10:07:00.003-04:00

I found this video at TV Squad, and the article told me to spread the word about this monstrosity, so here I am, doing just that. Maybe that means I'm a lemming for doing what I'm told, but this really is outrageous and I'll fall off the cliff with everyone else for it (If you've never played lemmings, you may not get the reference, but trust me, it's good). Check this out:

Yes, that is an ad pausing a show to advertise. I HATE when those ads pop up on TBS. It's one thing to have the names of shows in semi-transparent lettering inconspicuously in the corner of the screen, but it's a far different thing to have the ad take up a quarter of the screen, which is what most of them do. Or worse, when they somehow work the graphics of the ad into the show. I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean the other day (yes, for about the millionth time. I don't care. I love that movie) and they had something fly from behind one of the characters that turned into a huge obnoxious ad blocking my movie. I was half-expecting someone to whip out their sword and take it down. Yes, I could have put in the DVD to watch commercial free, but that's not the point.

TBS, you're going too far. Commercials don't belong in programming. That's what commercial breaks are for. Unless it's product placement. Then that's something different. Having the Griffins watch the Bill Engvall show, that may have been clever (but only once). Annoying, but not as obnoxious. If I wanted to see full-on commercials during my programming, I'd be watching the Home Shopping Network. Seeing as how I'm not a 70 year-old woman and it wasn't 3AM on a sleepless night, I just can't deal with that. Back off TBS.

Kong...angry! And sad!

2008-06-03T15:58:00.006-04:00

This was the same face I made when I heard about the fire at Universal Studios that destroyed the King Kong ride, the New York Street set, a bunch of stuff in the archive (luckily they have copies so nothing was completely lost), and the iconic courthouse from Back to the Future, and damaged the courthouse clock tower and the set of Ghost Whisperer. I've been on the California Universal Studios backlot tour a couple times. This is actually from the last time I was there in 2005 where I totally lucked into this great picture of the great ape. The backlot tour is really one of the best attractions I've been on, partly just because it's awesome, but also because I love the magic of the movies and can't get enough of seeing behind-the-scenes stuff. That's why I was so sad when I heard of the fire and saw this picture of it.

I'm sure Universal won't have a problem funding the rebuilding and repairs, and hopefully they can find a silver lining and make sets that are even better than what was there before. But it still does not erase the fact that parts of movie history were lost. The courthouse could be rebuilt, but it could really never be the same. But Kong, you'll always live on in my picture.

RIP little car. Sorry I never got around to naming you...

2008-05-27T10:48:00.007-04:00

So, it has been a very long time since my last entry, but if you didn't know, here's what I've been dealing with:

Long story short, some guy, we'll call him Jackass McGee, was driving a huge pickup truck when he failed to see my adorable little stopped car and plowed into it. End result, my car is being totaled after only 7 years of life and usually loyal service. Thanks a lot Jackass. Enjoy paying for that.

Also, I've had very limited Internet access since I've just moved, and as a result I've also had limited access to media-related hilarity. Hopefully soon I'll be back in business...with a car. Bright side, I'm not spending a billion dollars on gas.

Oh Disney, You've Done it Again!

2008-05-04T19:00:00.003-04:00

Normally I'm a fan of the Disney. Lately however, things do not seem to be going well in the advertising department. First there was the Miley thing (see below), now there's this Japanese ad. I have no problem with selling cute Mickey underwear, and I'm not opposed to cute bras either. However, I find it somewhat inappropriate to be showing a girl wearing just those pieces of clothing when really, she doesn't even look old enough to need a bra. Seriously, look at the girl's face. That has to be some digital cleavage.

Then there's the rest of this picture that accentuates the weird factor. 1) Why would you wear the same puppet character on both hands? 2) Pigtails? Really? For an underwear ad? and 3) Why is she laying on a fur rug? This whole set up is begging to be illegal.

To their credit though, Disney pulled the ad pretty quickly. However, this trend makes me believe that they apparently are gunning to be the next Calvin Klein.

Art? I beg to differ.

2008-04-27T23:14:00.004-04:00

So this is a picture of Miley Cyrus in the new Vanity Fair, shot by Annie Lebovitz. It was reportedly meant to be "artistic," but now Miley says she's embarrassed at how it turned out. I am a fan of Annie Lebovitz's work and can see the intended artistic value in this. I'm even not completely opposed to Miley Cyris. I saw her movie (for a school project...media studies is a great major) and she's actually a really good performer and a cute girl. I have no problems with my younger cousins being fans of hers. However, the way she has been marketed is really problematic. She's oversexualized and this picture is clearly a continuation of that sad trend. She's only 15! I feel like this is bordering on kiddie porn, which is so sad not only for her, but for her fans too. Photo shoots like these aren't going to help matters. Fifteen is too young to be doing "artistic" shots like this.

It has to be possible for kids to be celebrities and not whores or drug addicts. DJ from Full House did it...granted she was the only 1 of 4 Tanner kids not involved with whorism or drugs, but she shows it's possible.

Come on young Hollywood, get your act together! And young Hollywood parents, start using better judgment! Please!

They're back and more Canadian than ever!

2008-04-18T17:28:00.003-04:00

Remember the exhilarating Canadian couple who made the spectacular video to prove that they could make a similarly high-quality video movie just for you? Well, they are back with even more spectacular productions!

First up, we have a gripping interview with the charismatic couple by some joker from MetaFilter who surprisingly makes about the same caliber videos as Fred and Sharon. It's a little slow, but bear with it...you'll be glad you did.

Frankly, I was shocked at the beginning of this video because based on what we saw last time, I was convinced that Sharon was in a perpetual state of sleepwalking (though her laugh is still a little dreamlike, and not in the good way). Immediately following, I was again shocked to learn that she "looks after her appearance" because she actually looks like she could be sleepwalking. Good thing she's drinking that coffee.

At last we get to the exciting stuff: their next project. Fred gives some great details about what to look forward to, and don't worry, it's coming up below.

Then Fred takes over the interview, getting to what's really on his mind: Van Gogh's "fascinating" pre-suicide activities. Luckily for us, Fred has no plans of offing himself any time soon. He seems quite content to kill the rest of the world through overwhelming stimulation.

So here we have that much anticipated, touching video by the amazing Fred. Don't be surprised if that sounds like a great magician name...he will keep you spellbound and mesmerized friends.

I really don't even know what to say about that. Although I'll be honest, I kind of stopped listening to what he was saying when the snake started creeping in from the bottom. Something about troops? I don't know. Clearly the snake was the most important thing he wanted us to pay attention to. I did manage to catch Sharon's off-screen voice telling him to read the last part again. I'm really glad they left that in there.

But honestly, that snake graphic really was the best thing in the world. The fact that it's tongue had eyes on the end? Amazing! Then when Sharon and Fred showed up in the eyes just turning from side to side? Magnific! But then when they told me not to do drugs? I about died. I sure wasn't expecting that.

This couple needs to move down south because they would take America by storm! Give them a reality show stat! It would be so painfully awful it would be hilarious!

FOX, I'm looking at you...

Boys have dingers and girls have netherlands!

2008-04-16T22:25:00.022-04:00

How do kids come up with those clever clever names for their "naughty" body parts? Maybe their TV shows have something to do with it. You maybe didn't notice the dirty things you were hearing at the tender age of 4, but I'll bet that our parents were having a chuckle at more than a few of our favorite characters' names. For example, let me (re)introduce you to:

HottyBotty Hen

Boober Fraggle

The Dingers
The Honkers

Dr. Feel (the muppet is on the right)
Easy Pete (probably more disturbing because he isn't a muppet)
Hard Head Henry Harris
Moe Cocker
Sherry Netherland
Spotted Dick
Tita (my favorite picture)
and possibly my favorite name...

Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers

More fun names:

Big Head
Billy Bones
Crankshaft Doozer
Dicky Tick
Henry Sackbutt
One-Eyed Jack
Surelick Bones

Seriously, I'm not convinced that the people who make children's programming aren't doing this on purpose. They have to get bored making educational and wholesome shows for little kids. This has to be their plan to keep themselves and the parents sane.

Here's the whole list if you're interested.

Thanks Jenn!

My apologies...

2008-04-16T09:21:00.003-04:00

In my recent post about celebrities and their hilarious promiscuity, I failed to include an important pair of celebrities who apparently are doing the dirty. Please revisit the post and enjoy the amendment.

Thanks Mitch!

Where's Waldo? Satallite image edition.

2008-04-15T12:47:00.002-04:00

An art student in Vancouver has painted this Waldo on a roof in hopes that people will try to find it on Google Earth. And she is encouraging other people all over the world to do it too. I love Google Earth and this should make it even more fun.

This is one of the best ideas anyone has ever had. EVER.

Here's her website if you want to read more.
whereonearthiswaldo.com

What does the "M" stand for again?

2008-04-13T20:37:00.003-04:00

I'm beginning to think it stands for monotony.

Just how many times does MTV plan on reairing the Real World Awards show? Don't throw a hissy fit because you like the Real World and enjoyed the special. I enjoy the Real World too, probably not as much as other people because it took me a long time to get into it and I'm not familiar with all the "classic" cast members, but I can appreciate the fandom. And I even enjoy seeing occasional reruns of certain shows. (I'll admit that I've watched each season of America's Next Top Model probably at least 6 times each) But the award show? Drama, fun, reminiscing, seeing everyone after years...all great. But I'd say for about 3 times. Tops.

Is MTV really that hard up for programming? They have Made, True Life, actual episodes of The Real World, Gauntlets, Infernos, and that gem of a show The Hills as well as other "reality" shows.

But I know I'm forgetting something...hmmmm...what can it be? I feel like it's really important...it's right on the tip of my fingers...ugh...what is it?

I know!! MUSIC! What happened to the music on MTV, once know as MUSIC TELEVISION? Yes, music plays in the background of all their shows, but that also happens on every other show on television! I'm not going to get up at 7AM to catch the 2 hours of music videos on MTV every morning.

I don't think I'd mind if they put some of the reality reruns on then, and played the music videos during the day. At least I might see something I haven't seen 7 billion times before.

Everyone's f*cking everyone! (and it's hilarious!)

2008-04-11T21:42:00.007-04:00

First of all, I have to tell you that I am a huge fan of Sarah Silverman. I know she can be a little offensive and inappropriate at times (mainly every time she does comedy), but it is just so funny.

So just in case you haven't seen it by now, below I have her video where she tells Jimmy Kimmel and the world that she is f*cking Matt Damon. That alone is hilarious, but after that, I have also included a parody video for your viewing pleasure. It was clearly done by a fearless comedic genius as only they could have enough guts to successfully manage a parody of a Sarah Silverman production.

Bravo.

Also, as was brought to my attention by my good friend Mitch, I had neglected to include Jimmy's response to Sarah's confession. It really is hilarious on many levels. I love that it's Ben Affleck because we all know that Matt and Ben have some sort of special relationship, but I also love it because it is not only a parody of the original "I'm f@cking (name of famous person)" but it also parodies "We Are the World" in a horribly fantastic way.

Bravo Jimmy too.

Canadians? They're hilarious!

2008-03-28T22:42:00.006-04:00

I have experienced the Canadian culture first hand, and cannot tell you how great they are with their politeness and adorable accents and the addition of "eh" to every sentence. It's just so gosh darn cute! But these two lovely people take things to a whole new level with this attempt at a commercial. Since I am a fan of the Canadians as a whole and this entertains me so much, I cannot be mean to them. So like I have done before, I will simply highlight my favorite parts:

"A video movie could improve your life." You know what would improve my life? Oh who am I trying to kid, definitely a video movie.

The amount of cuts in awkward places...like the middle of sentences.

They're advertising their video movie making skills while the background movies look like the Blair Witch Project.

"What about animation?" (The quality of that guy is just, ugh...unbelievably amazing!)

The Loch Ness monster swimming to The Sounds of Kentucky

Sharon's overwhelming enthusiasm throughout, but especially how excited she is that their anniversary is coming up, so they should make a video to send to Fred's mother and f-(check the cue card)-amily

"Who needs a movie?"...When you could have a VIDEO MOVIE!

Here's their website if you need a video movie for your fund raisers, birthday greetings, theatre or stage production, costume parties, family reunions, sporting events, prom night, a special evening out, or selling your house or RV. It's a great...idea!

Who's Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

2008-03-18T11:37:00.012-04:00

Clearly not the producers of this CNN Headline News segment about the sexual education program in California. Students will learn about STDs in 5th grade, rape and sexual assault in middle school, and birth control in high school. Don't get me wrong, I understand the use of stock footage to compliment a story, or in this case an interview, but you have to be careful about how this stuff lines up. Watch these clips, maybe you'll see what I mean. The full story is here.

Let's get some stats.

Guess what four little girls on the bench! One of you will get an STD!

What else will the kids be learning about?

Oh, puberty. That's ok. BUT WAIT! What the hell is happening at the end of this clip? Why does it look like this girl is about to be gang banged? GASP! Oh no, I can't talk about that! They can't learn about sexual assault until middle school!

So what are schools and parents to do?

Oh, decision making skills! Of course! Then why does it look like these kids are walking among conjugal visit trailers?

So can the kids protect themselves?

Something else? Like what? Meth? What is going on in those trailers?

Next week on Fox: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Sex and Drugs Education Edition.

Yeah, you're right. The kids would probably win...

Car trouble, eh?

2008-03-10T17:42:00.007-04:00

This is a non-media related post, but I feel I must bestow upon you the story of my adventures that arose from what was supposed to be a simple spring break trip to visit family. Perhaps a solo 7 hour car trip through Canada to Michigan isn't simple, but I've driven longer so I figured I'd be fine. Plus, this family I was visiting (my aunt and uncle) is no obligatory visit; I couldn't wait to get there. I guess I should have seen the trouble brewing from a country away...

I wake up bright and early and hit the road at 8AM, and am making great time. I figure I'm about a couple hours away from MI and decide to go ahead and fill up the gas tank while I'm in Canada, hoping for a favorable exchange rate on the credit card bill. Of course I suspect nothing but the normal routine: get out, pump gas, get in, start car, go. Only, there was a slight snag in that fourth step. Oh, the minor one about where the car's supposed to start? Yeah. That one. Allow me to reenact the situation:

"..." said my car.
"Hmm. That's weird. I'll try again." said me as I turned the key again.
"..." my car replied, having zero reaction to my hopeful thinking.
"Shit." I said after about 9 more exchanges of the above interaction.

Then I take a couple breaths, calm down, and just decide that I'm the only one that can help myself. I go into the gas station and explain to the woman that my car won't start, she asks if I have CAA, I stare at her blankly, she asks if I have AAA, and then I say yes. So I call and they get a tow truck en route. I make phone calls. 1) My dad, 2) My uncle whose house I'm headed to, and 3) My friend at school because I needed a girl to cry to after being an adult.

She calms me down before the tow truck guy arrives. He proceeds to:
1) try the battery, with no result
2) try the starter, with no result
3) try suggestions from my uncle, with no result
4) conclude I must be towed to the Canadian Tire in Ingersoll
5) be the nicest guy in the world to me the entire time

Now I'm super worried because now it has to go to a shop, which has the potential to take the rest of my life to get it fixed. We get there and the tow truck driver talks to the guys in the shop to get me in ASAP. I go into the shop, give them my info, make more calls, same people, same order. Dad freaks out a little, uncle tells me he's already on his way to come get me should my car not be drivable (how amazing is he? for real), friend gives me the entire history of Ingersoll to cheer me up (to sum it up in one word, cheese).

The guys in the shop were amazingly super nice and tell me that they will absolutely get me back on the road today. They figure out the problem was the starter relay, which, apparently is a part in my car. They call a dealer, they have the part, it arrives within 5 minutes, they pop it in, problem solved. Total damage: $131 (Canadian), about 2 hours lost traveling time, knowledge of local Canadian small town culture, and proof to myself that I can handle my own shit.

After losing about another hour at the US border in the line of a guard who clearly hated his job, the world, and everyone in it, and who made me turn off my car, give him the keys, and pop my trunk, I finally made it to my destination, about 11 hours after I left. I then go on to have the most amazingly fun weekend with my aunt and uncle that actually made the whole car debacle just a distant, learning experience memory that I would happily repeat to have that much fun with them again.

Moral of the story: If you're ever in a jam, call a Canadian for help. They will be super nice and their accent is super adorable too. Lesson, learned.

Why I voted in Ohio...

2008-03-04T23:12:00.003-05:00

Here's what I love about where I vote in Ohio.

CNN talks about how the Southwest area is so Republican, but when they use their fancy technology to color in the counties of Ohio, something very interesting happens. See that lonely little blue county north of Cincinnati and west of Columbus? Pretty much the only blue county in the western half of the state? That's mine. That's where my vote counts. Maybe it didn't really matter in the last 2 elections as Ohio still went red, but I'm happy knowing that I did my part and at least my county was blue. And that's why I'll keep voting absentee, despite the cost.

As Ohio goes, so goes the nation. Hopefully, the blue counties like mine will lead Ohio and the nation in a new direction.

Can you say "schadenfreude"?

2008-02-26T11:09:00.000-05:00

Because that's what FOX should change their name to. I am blaming this as the reason I cannot stop watching Moment of Truth. That show should just change its name to Divorce Court...or team up with it in a special "Where are they now?" follow-up episode to this week's Moment of Truth.

It was a special highly controversial episode "you weren't supposed to see" (ironic since it was its first night without the American Idol lead in). In fact, the episode was preceded by an announcement by host Mark Walberg, who said if he had a choice, he wouldn't have aired the episode. He also tells us that "the truth is often not pretty. So here it is." We are further enticed to stay tuned to this episode with the promise that Lauren will "take the truth too far" and "destroy her marriage," these quotes being repeated before every commercial break.

As we get to know her, we find out that she's been married to a cop for 2 years, and the questions are focused on her past deviant behavior, including stealing, flashing strangers just for fun, and how close she is with her family. And after about 20 minutes when she said "I don't care about the money. I really just feel better getting this off my chest" we really should have known that something was about to go down. These are the questions she answers "yes" to truthfully :
"Have you ever pretended to be asleep to avoid having sex with your husband?"
"Do you blame your husband for your lack of close friends?"
"Have you ever taken off your wedding ring to appear as if you were single?"
"Do you believe you might have been in love with a former boyfriend on your wedding day?"
(Special guest for the next two: her ex-boyfriend)
"If I told you I wanted to get back together with you, would you leave your husband?"
"Do you believe I'm the person you should be married to?"
"Since you've been married have you ever had sexual relations with anyone other than your husband?"

But here comes the kicker. After answering "yes" to all those questions, this comes up next:

"Do you think you're a good person?"

Again she answers yes. This time though, it's false. But the placement and the fact that the show knew she lied about this the first time, can really only lead to this conclusion:

FOX is an evil genius. It knows exactly what it's doing with every show it makes. I hate it for the evil, but I just can't help loving it for the genius.

Is it possible to feel schadenfreude for yourself?

You can't pull this on me...I'm in law!

2008-02-25T21:36:00.000-05:00

Ok, it's just media law, but we have the same Constitution printed in our book. And according to that, Amendment 24 to be exact, "The right of citizens to of the United States to vote in any primary or other election for President...shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or any State by reason of failure to pay any toll or other tax."

Apparently, this only applies if you're voting in person. I just voted absentee in the Ohio primary, and this is what happened. First I paid $.41 to send in the application. Then, I paid another $.97 to send in my completed ballot. That's $1.38, friends. And I'll do it again in November, raising the total to $2.76. I realize this is not a lot, but it's the principle of the thing. As I live 9 hours away from home and want to stay a registered Ohio voter, I would have been denied the right to vote for failure to pay the postage toll, or, if I went the other way, the roughly $120 in gas money to go home and back.

It was my first primary vote as well as my first absentee vote. I love to vote and I love living in a state where the outcome really impacts the election. I feel like I should be able get reimbursed or something, even though I know this will never happen and I understand why. It just doesn't feel right. If you're going to let people vote absentee, they should get the same protection that in-person voters have from poll taxes, no matter what form they take.

NBC, why are you trying to become Fox?

2008-02-24T20:54:00.001-05:00

It's unnecessary. There's enough crap on TV, you don't need to add to it.

They have a new show called "My Dad's Better Than Your Dad." Since when did schoolyard taunts become topics for reality shows? I can't wait for "I'm Rubber and You're Glue" or maybe "Four-Square, the Ultimate Championships." Wow those are horrible ideas. They're stupid and ridiculous and trashy and wouldn't be run by any self-respecting network unless there was the smallest possibility of profit and...ummm, I have to go...I need to go call Fox.

Mine are OK...

2008-02-24T18:06:00.002-05:00

Alright, so this song has to be THE WORST thing to happen for women ever in the history of women, but i can't bring myself to be mean to it because it makes me laugh so hard.

However, here are a few of my favorite parts:

5)Just the title of the song

4)"Oh my god I just forgot the rest of this verse"

3)"My cup size and IQ work in harmony"

2)The dancing

1)The "Go Boobs" cheer

Religion + Snack Foods = Some Kind of Crazy

2008-02-24T18:05:00.002-05:00

So I've really been in the mood to write lately, but nothing really gave me enough fuel to try anything clever or interesting...until CNN.com just now and this gem of a video. It's not a whole lot to go on, but it will fulfill my need to rant about ridiculous things. Watch it then come back and read the rest of the note.

Ok.

1) How do people come up with this stuff? I don't know about you, but when I eat pretzels, I don't study them. I have enough studying to do without a thorough examination of my snack foods. When I want to have pretzels, I sit in front of the TV and eat them, sometimes several at a time. I'm not ashamed. That's how you eat junk food. If I happen to notice that one of my pretzels happens to look like something, I think, "Huh, that's neat." and then I eat it. I don't recall ever thinking, "Hey, maybe I'll put this on eBay and make a few grand." And I don't think it's really possible to put one pretzel aside and not eat it. It belongs in your stomach. That's what it was made to do. Relax. Eat your pretzels and don't try to make them into something they're not. That's what clouds are for.

2) Who decided this stuff was appropriate for eBay? I know you can find whatever you want on there, but is there a high demand for food items that look like religious figures? Alright, I take that back, I suppose there is considering people are willing to pay upwards of $10,000 for this crap. Who has $10,000 to spend of a fucking pretzel that you're never going to eat? If i had that kind of disposable income a) I would not waste it on a pretzel from eBay when I can go to the store and pretend my pretzels look like random stuff for 99 cents a bag, and b) I would be a jackass about it and take video of myself eating the damn thing and post that shit on youtube.

3) Does it really look like the Virgin Mary holding Jesus? I suppose it might because it's sitting next to the picture and the smaller top part looks like a head cocked sideways, but suggestion is a very powerful tool. Look at the closeup and tell me it doesn't also look like a snowman with a lasso, or a curled up snake, or, going out on a limb, maybe, just maybe, a deformed pretzel.

4) Does God have nothing better to do than make divine shaped food? "People seem to believe that the Virgin Mary is actually appearing before them." Really? In pretzels? Don't you think she'd take a classier route? Maybe, I don't know, in a church, to a religious person, or the good old days when she appeared before a scenic waterfall in Guadalupe? Are we in such bad shape in America that the only way the heavens can get our attention is through our snack food? I'd like to put a little more faith than that in humanity. But I suppose with the quote this winner gave, my faith is a bit overzealous: "This is authentic. Straight from the heavens, right on eBay."

Right.

If this was some kind of sign (other than the dollar type), it was clearly lost on these gentlemen.

Taking a Moment for the Truth...

2008-02-24T18:04:00.001-05:00

Fox's Moment of Truth has to be the most ridiculous show on television. I know, I shouldn't be surprised. It is a Fox reality show, but even for them... I just can't get my head around this.

Just in case you don't know, here's the setup of the show. Some willing person (who is clearly already a little crazy for auditioning for any reality show with the name Fox tied to it) takes a polygraph before taping. They're then asked the same questions in front of cameras, and to win, they have to tell the truth.

Typical reality show premise: put people in potentially mortifying situations and watch them squirm for entertainment's sake. And the show consistently delivers, question after question. Take this week's episode for example. Ray is a cook, really relaxed, overweight guy, married for 30 years with a bunch of kids and some grandkids. He brings along his wife (of course), 2 of his daughters, and his mom. Good so far. He gets asked 3 pretty easy questions and passes with flying colors. Still fine. But that was just the warm-up.

"Do you ever worry about dying from being overweight?" "Yes," truth.
"Have you ever flirted with a woman at work?" "No," truth.
"Would you cheat on your wife if you knew you wouldn't be caught?" "No," truth.
"Have you ever looked at pornography without your wife's knowledge?" Shocker, he says yes. Shocker number 2, it's the truth.
"Would you donate an organ to save your mother's life?" "Yes, in a heartbeat," truth. His heart is probably not that healthy, but good for him.
"Do you resent your mother for treating your wife badly?" Hesitates, "yes," mother doesn't look surprised, neither does anyone who has heard a woman talk about her mother-in-law. Pointless.

But now things get interesting. "Do you resent your mother for wearing black to your wedding?" Ok, potentially interesting story there. Turns out he does, but it becomes a therapy session ending with an emotional reconciliation between mother and son. Tears are shed, people hug, now back to the game.
"Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a woman other than your wife?" "Yes," true. Not real surprising, but potentially hurtful since he has shown how much he loves his wife.
"Do you ever think your wife deserves someone more attractive than you?" "Yes," sad, but apparently true.

Somewhat emotional questions, but this isn't the most bizarre part. What I don't understand is the audience's reaction to each answer. I guess they're happy that he's being honest, but it just sounds so strange. I can understand cheering for him being faithful to his wife, and even what happened when he and his mom made up, but is it really appropriate for some of the other questions? "Yes I worry about dying from being overweight." Cheers! "Yes I resent my mother for not accepting my wife." Yay! "I don't feel worthy of my wife's affection." Hoorah!

"This show is only successful because Fox put it in the time slot after Idol." Truth.

Religion + Movies = Some Kind of Crazy

2008-02-24T17:36:00.001-05:00

Go to this website and read the story at the top.

Ok, you read it? Let's break this down.

First, let's have a look at the Catholic group that approves of this movie.

"The good news is that ... explicit references to this church" found in the book on which the movie is based "have been completely excised...This is not the blatant real-world anti-Catholicism of, say, the recent Elizabeth: The Golden Age or The Da Vinci Code. Religious elements, as such are practically nil."

Hurray! That is good news! Another movie has changed the original story in the book to make it more marketable. Lord knows there aren't enough of those out there. Amen, movie makers!

Next, why do Catholic organizations feel so threatened by movies? If movie critics don't like a movie, they just tell you it was bad. They're not going to tell you to boycott a movie just because they didn't like it. They'll warn you it is a waste of your time, a waste of money and a waste of celluloid, but they stop short of telling you it will make you stop believing in God. I'm pretty sure only the Catholic leaders make that leap. Gee that sounds familiar. Aren't they also the ones who jump straight from same-sex marriage to bestiality. Pretty sure that's not going to happen either.

Finally, let's look at what William Donohue, president of the Catholic League says about this movie (disregarding for the moment the fact that this was an interview on FOX News because, wow, what a shocker that one is):

"The idea is to sell the horrors of Catholicism and the virtues of atheism to youth," and has insisted that the movie will encourage young people to read the book.

I'm sorry, is that such a horrible thing? Ok, I guess from their point of view, any young person that reads any literature that remotely might damage their view of the Catholic Church should probably be burned at the stake along with their vile and sinful book. Couldn't we just celebrate for once that any movie without the words "Harry Potter" in the title is going to inspire kids to do something intellectually stimulating? Not that there's anything wrong with Harry Potter (unless you ask these guys)...it's just that I don't know of many kids who like to sit down and curl up with a good version of The Bible. If kids want to read, don't stop them.

And who is this group to talk? Have they not seen the news this week of the Catholic Church publishing coloring books to teach kids how to be safe around adults and not be molested by priests? I'm fairly certain I would be much more comfortable with my kids reading a book that might open their minds to differing viewpoints about religion than have them color pictures in "an abuse-themed coloring book," but that's just me. Guess I’m going to Hell.